Are you too tired or too scared to take care of yourself

Many of the members at http://www.bpdfamily.com  say one thing yet do another when it comes to their loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder. They have a hard time following through on what they say they will do. This is often the result of having weak or soft boundaries. What are boundaries?

Boundaries
 

* Limit or line over which you will not allow anyone to cross because of the negative impact of its being crossed in the past.
* Emotional and physical space you need in order to be the real you without the pressure from others to be something that you are not.
* Emotional and/or physical perimeter of your life which is or has been violated when you were emotionally, verbally, physically and/or sexually abused..
* Balanced emotional and physical limits set on interacting with another so that you can achieve an interdependent relationship of independent beings who do not lose their personal identity, uniqueness and autonomy in the process.
* Clearly defined limits within which you are free to be yourself with no restrictions placed on you by others as to how to think, feel or act.
* Set of parameters which make you a unique, autonomous and free individual who has the freedom to be a creative, original, idiosyncratic problem solver.

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14718-building-healthy-boundaries/#ixzz0yH2JP1nb

 So boundaries are the guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits. They are intended to keep bad things away from us. They are how we protect ourselves so that we aren’t hurt or taken advantage of. It is the power to say “no” and the strength to take action. When used properly, they are a sign of healthy self care, like refusing to ride with someone who’s been drinking or to allow someone else to make our decisions for us. Unfortunately, many of us don’t use boundaries as often as we should, which allows others to take advantage of us or harm us in some very painful ways. While there are a variety of possible reasons, many based on a low sense of self esteem, there are times when our inability to enforce our boundaries is based on fear or exhaustion. We fear the consequences if we say “no” or we are just too worn out from what seems like a constant battle, so we give in.  

If your gut clenches up at the thought of enforcing a boundary, then it is possible that your fears are actually preventing you from taking care of yourself. How? If you fear a person’s anger more than you fear riding in the car with someone who’s been drinking, then your fear of them is more than your fear of dying. If you fear stating your preferences, then you allowing someone else to determine what you need or desire.  If you are afraid to walk away from an abusive argument, then your fears are allowing them to verbal abuse you. Essentially, your fears are allowing others to manipulate and control you. 

Sheer exhaustion can also weaken your ability to enforce boundaries. Example, your young teenager nags and nags and nags you to lend them the money and to give them permission to attend a concert (which runs way past curfew, and which isn’t intended for young kids), till you finally just give in. Your spouse wants to go on a fancy vacation way beyond your budget. After months of badgering, ridiculing, and nagging, you finally agree to go – even though you aren’t sure how you will pay for it. By giving in you are taking the path of least resistance and getting some relief from the pressure the other person has placed on you with their constant pushing and badgering. You are also rewarding them for their behavior though, guaranteeing that they will use the same tactic the next time they want something from you. 

To overcome a fear based aversion to enforcing boundaries, you must first admit to them. Admitting that you are afraid of someone’s reaction can help you examine your fears, which is the next step – analyzing what you fear – someone’s anger. To reduce and control your fears, you need to analyze and dissect them. Are they based on distortions or will you really be killed if you are late coming home? If they are based on threats you’ve been told, is the threat of their anger worse than the fear of dying? Do you believe the person would actually follow through on their threats? Can you face that threat and follow it through to it’s logical conclusion – and envision how you would cope if it came true? Would you be able to survive? What are you realistic options? Facing your fears and making plans removes a lot of the power they have over you.

If sheer exhaustion is wearing you down, then you need to practice better self care. Just like when your body is wore down it is more susceptible to getting sick, so is your emotional strength wore down when it feels drained and empty. Making the time to do things for yourself is critical to help balance out your emotional strength. This could take the form of getting some alone time, meeting with supportive friends or family members, engaging in activities that rejuvenate you, or getting some personal therapy to help you with rebuilding your inner strength. Essentially, the better we feel about ourselves the easier it is to withstand stressful situations and the pressure others place on us.

The bottom line though - If you aren’t enforcing a boundary with actions, then all you are doing is making a request that can be ignored.

Emotional Empathy

It isn’t easy having a loved one who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). One of the more hurtful things we hear about is their apparent lack of empathy. 

Empathy - To show empathy is to identify with another person’s feelings.  During times of dysregulation (an emotional response that is more intense than normal),  Borderline Personality sufferers are flooded with emotions.  This flood of emotions overwhelms the person with BPD (pwBPD), creating an internal focus that tends to be self centered and self absorbed. They literally don’t have room to spare to consider the emotions of others.  These exaggerated emotions are due to an over developed emotional sensitivity, which is likened to how a burn victim would respond to any perceived threats of being touched.  If a pwBPD perceives they are being attacked or criticized, or that there is even the possibility of being attacked, their defenses go into over drive and full attack mode. 

Adding to the confusion is the difficulty in how someone with BPD express’s themselves. The saying is “A rose by any other name is still a rose”, yet communication is accomplished due to our shared acceptance of what a word means. What-cha-ma-call-its are confusing, as are thing-a-ma-bobbers. If you can’t figure out or understand what something is, how do you then describe or share that experience with someone else? How do you find a common ground if neither of you can agree what to call a rose? A pwBPD has a noticeable problem with poor emotional vocabularies, meaning they find it hard to label - much less understand - their own feelings. This inability to understand or accept their own feelings leads to feelings of confusion, shame and self hatred, one of the defining traits of a BPD sufferer. 

When a BPD sufferer goes into self-protective mode, it is often misunderstood by their target. It is easy to see why those on the receiving end would become defensive. Being the target of someones dysregulation (which can often feel irrational and unjustified) is painful. The natural inclination for those targeted is to become defensive and/or aggressive themselves – yet it is this very defensiveness on the part of the targeted loved one which makes things worse.

When we try to understand their behaviors from a logical standpoint, we are judging them based on how we believe they “should” behave. This focus on “logic” leads to the conclusion that the pwBPD "should" be able to control themselves.  Believing these “should’s” prevents us from full acceptance that our loved one is mentally ill. Our judgments stand in the way of understanding how difficult it is for them to hear our logical arguments, due to their own emotional flooding. 

It’s hard to comprehend how someone’s emotions can get in the way of them perceiving the rightness of our “facts and logic” though.  After all, aren’t arguments won or lost based on who presents the best facts in the most logical way?  The problem with this line of thinking is that when a pwBPD is dysregulated, they aren’t operating out of the logical frontal lobe of their brains. Instead, they are trapped in the most primitive section of brain functioning, the amygdala. 

A recent study at Harvard Medical school using brain scanning to analyze how anger is processed, showed that people who were depressed had a decrease in blood flow to critical areas of the brain, reducing their inhibitions and interfering with their ability to consider the consequences of their actions. They experienced what researchers described as a double hit,  “A decrease in blood flow to these areas of the brain reduces both their ability to control impulsive acts and their feelings about the consequences of those acts, say punching someone in the mouth. There is both a lack of emotion and a lack of control. A double hit that adds up to inappropriate, even violent rage.” Normal individuals had an increase in blood flow to those reasoning parts of the brain. Paradoxically, their emotional sensitivity pushes them to become insensitive to others while simultaneously being unable to control their own emotions.

   Essentially we are speaking a different language (they are driven by emotions - we are defending with logic), thus why we so often wind up in those circular arguments that don't make sense.   Our use of logic and facts to try to persuade or convince them to see things "our way" only leads to an escalation in the argument. Our "facts" don't get the job done since it's "emotions" which are the problem, and those seem to be rarely addressed. This lack of understanding on our part is invalidating to the pwBPD. In essence, our logic (through our invalidation of their feelings) winds up hurting them.

One way to break this destructive cycle and to lessen the possibility of a pwBPD becoming dysregulated is to develop your emotional empathy.

Someone who suffers from BPD is constantly on the alert for any possible invalidation. Even the slightest criticism or hint of rejection hurts them and drives them into defense and attack mode. They become hyper vigilant to any possible threats (often making mountains out of molehills in the process) as a defensive measure to protect themselves. Until you accept this, you won't be able to empathize with the pain and paranoia they are constantly subjected to. To be more emotionally empathetic, you need to shift your views away from defending and explaining and justifying yourself, and work to focus on understanding and accepting the emotions and feelings your partner is displaying...

Non verbal signals and subtle communication cues are 80% of our message. Physical signs, like nodding your head to show you are paying attention, maintaining direct eye contact to show interest, taking the time to ask clarifying questions, using verbal cues to show you are paying attention like adding “uh huhs” and “I see’s”, and paraphrasing what they said while adding a label to describe the emotions you believe they are feeling will help the pwBPD to develop their own emotional vocabulary. These are some basic skills to shift things from your previous counterproductive response, to a more caring and accepting way of communicating. At it’s simplest - emotional empathy is taking the time to listen to what the pwBPD is saying, and trying to decode the emotions that are driving them, emotions they themselves may not understand. 

united for now

How to stay on the path when a loved one has Borderline Personality Disorder

Life is a journey. Sometimes we have a specific destination in mind - sometimes we are just enjoying the passing scenery. When we are trying to get somewhere, it’s important to maintain our focus on what our objectives are. This can become difficult if the person traveling with us has Borderline Personality Disorder.  Due to their extreme defense mechanisms and twisted thought processes, they tend to wander off the path quite frequently.  Their internal struggles create confusion inside them, and in an instant they veer off the path into dangerous and hurtful territory. Due to our compassion and love for them (a core feature of our nature), we feel compelled to chase after them in an effort to guide them back to the path. Through this chase, we wind up changing our purpose from moving forward in a healthy fashion, to becoming lost and stuck in defending and justifying ourselves instead. Sadly, this tends to ensure that we both wind up lost in the wilderness, sometimes never finding our way back to the path we started from. Allowing them to lure us off our chosen path leads to anxiety, abuse, and dysfunction, and rarely solves the issues we are facing.

Breaking this pattern isn’t easy, yet it is the first step in developing a healthier relationship.  Taking care of ourselves requires what feels like a selfish focus. Our loved ones aren’t mentally fit to be leading us around. As the mentally healthy ones, it’s important  that we remember our goals.  Prior experience has shown us that our efforts to bring them back to the path are rarely successful anyways, and often end up making things worse. 

When the pwBPD wanders off the path - here is how to change the pattern - don’t chase after them. Stop for a moment and take a deep breath. Shut out the noise they are making to lure you further away from the path. Close your eyes and try to bring up your destination and goals. Once you’ve stopped your racing thoughts you are blocking the pressure they are putting on you, so you can evaluate things more clearly. Then ask yourself if following them into the wilderness has any chance of success. Evaluate if what they are saying is logical or if it has any bearing on your current journey. Is it a distraction and delay tactic? Does it need to be handled right now or can the issue wait to be resolved later? It’s not easy to block out their distraction and pleas for your attention, yet it is only with that critical pause that you can really notice how you are moving in the wrong direction, away from your goals.

When they don’t get the expected response from you, they will realize that they are traveling by themselves, which will initially confuse them, since up till now we’ve always joined them.  To maintain their own equilibrium and to feel like they are still in control, often they will call out to you from the wilderness, trying to lure you into joining them. If you don’t respond to their baiting you, they will change tactics and use anger as a way to scare you into joining them in the wilderness. Faced with your apparent determination to stay on the path, this is where some Borderline Personality Sufferers will start to behave in ways that are evil and mean as they work to sabotage your goals and your determination in whatever fashion they can; threats, violence, destruction, intimidation, name calling, belittling, promises of withholding necessary things, retaliation, or any other painful thing they can think of to get you to join them in the wilderness. This is what we call the classic extinction burst. Things get worse before they get better.

At this point, each of you have different  objectives. Their goal is to sidetrack you into joining them in dysregulation. Yours needs to be to stay focused on what your goals are, no matter how tempted you are to join them. 

Remember - the first time you do this, your loved one probably won’t join you, no matter how long you wait or how patient you are. They will be determined to stay in the wilderness and wander, just to hurt and punish you. That is OK, as long as you expect it and are prepared for it.  Try to keep in mind while they won’t like being alone, that it is a necessary thing for them to experience. It is what will bring on the opportunity for change. 

We each have a journey here. We can no longer allow them to lead us astray. In time, if we stay committed to our goals, their journeys into the wilderness will be shorter and less frequent, as they adjust to the fact that we are staying on the path. We won’t be subjecting ourselves to as much pain, since we won’t be lost in the wilderness either. All of this is possible, “if” we make the commitment to stay true to our goals. If we understand that stepping off the path is unhealthy and makes things worse, not better. 

united for now

Skills - Planning for Boundaries

Adapted from http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=93309.msg925821#msg925821

Courtesy of Randi Kreger. Author of "Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder"

Yes, most members say "I tried to set a boundary. They wouldn't listen to me".... which means it wasn't a boundary, it was a request.

A few years ago, I asked people if setting boundaries worked for them. Most people said no. The comments they made were similar to this: 


“I told him he didn’t understand my perspective; he told me I didn’t understand his. It went in circles endlessly. He accused me of being controlling and telling him what to do. He weaved magical webs with his words and made me feel guilty.”

At that point, I realized that there needs to be a major educational shift to help people understand what setting boundaries is about, and what it isn’t. People think they’re about making people act in certain ways, and if they can’t convince that person to change, they’ve “failed.”


This is incorrect. Boundaries are about each person taking responsibility for their own behavior. Your boundaries are about you, not the other person. Setting boundaries is a process that begins right now as you start to think about them. It keeps on going because you will always need to pay attention to make sure you don’t let your boundaries slide. 

Why are boundaries so important in the first place?

If you don’t think they’re important, you probably won’t make it through the process or you will let the limits slide, undoing everything you’ve done and actually making things worse due to the intermittent reinforcement process. 

• Limits protect you from being or feeling controlled, manipulated, ‘fixed,’ misunderstood, abused, discounted, demeaned, or wrongly judged.
• When you don’t have limits, you’re going to become overwhelmed with your BP’s needs and demands.
• Without limits, chosen relationships become very unhappy and unsafe with little emotional closeness. There is little mutual respect or trust.
• Relationships without limits are more likely to end. This is one reason why limits are vital to you BP. In other words, as much as BPs dislike limits, without them they may not only fear abandonment, but experience it.

Boundaries aren’t requests, in that boundaries don’t “ask” others to do or not do something. In fact, they aren’t really about the other person at all. Boundaries are about what we will or won’t put up with in our lives. It’s about keeping the bad stuff away from us.

Learning to set boundaries is a process…

One thing we all struggle with is meaning what we say and setting boundaries with confidence. Setting boundaries is difficult for a number of reasons. 


First, we have let them slide. In her book, “The Emotionally Abusive Relationship,” Engel writes, “Most of us begin a relationship thinking we have certain limits as to what we will and will not tolerate from a partner. But as the relationship progresses, we tend to move our boundaries back, tolerating more and more intrusion or going along with things we are really opposed to. . . . [Individuals] begin tolerating unacceptable and even abusive behavior, and then convince themselves that these behaviors are normal, acceptable, [and deserved].  


So how do you go back? Long before you say one word, you plan. This plan will act as your road map and safety net. Each of the following five “Cs” is a component of the plan:

• •   Clarify.
• •   Calculate costs.
• •   Come up with consequences.
• •   Create a consensus.
• •   Consider possible outcomes.

LIMITS PROPERTY #1: YOUR LIMITS ARE UNIQUE TO YOU.



Obviously, different people reasoned in different ways, and came up with different answers. That’s because not only do you all have different incomes and homes, you have different values and beliefs. Your limits emerge from a variety of factors unique to you. You own them just like you own your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs.

While this may seem obvious, it’s not. Most people believe that there is one standard that should apply to everyone and most arguments are about divining what that standard is. People talk about this a lot in most forums: someone gives a situation and suggests a limit, then looks to other people to confirm if they’re “right.” 


It is as if there is a goddess of the Temple of Truth, who has the special ability to divine who is “right” and who is “wrong.”  While some things at either end of the spectrum make no sense—eg you can’t buy any gnomes or you have to spend everything on them--there is no Temple of Truth, no anointed standard bearer. 

THIS MEANS THAT if your family member says that your limits are wrong or unreasonable, he or she is speaking about what is right and true for him or her, not you. You are your own Temple of Truth. You live and deal with the difficulty every day, be it dirty gnomes or dirty dishes. Your limits are your own. And your very first limit is that you have the inalienable right to set limits.

LIMITS PROPERTY #2 LIMITS ARE UNSELFISH


Your limits are for you and about you, not against others. They are about respect: respect for yourself, respect for others, and respect for the relationship. 



Think about the process you went through to come up with your limits in the gnome home exercise. 

• •   Did you develop them based on what one person wanted, or did you try to balance everyone’s needs and desires?
• •   Was your intention to hurt, punish, or control or to develop a plan that made the most sense based on all the competing factors?

Most non-BPs err on the side of trying to take care of everyone but themselves. It never occurs to them that they can say “no” or that their wants and needs are just as significant as those of everyone else. 

People with BPD sometimes see other people’s limits as a personal affront, something designed to punish or control them. That’s because they feel punished and controlled, and for them, feelings equal facts. Naturally, you’ll have discussions and try to come up with solutions that benefit everyone. But compromise because you want to, not because your feelings are “wrong” or unimportant.

I don’t think it matters if you actually DO the gnome exercise—once you watch others do it, you get the point. 

We haven’t started covering this yet, but you’ve touched on something crucial: “Boundaries need to stay in place forever to take care of me,” and “I also now see how I contributed to the escalation of many situations.” (Don’t get on your own case about that, though, because without proper education and planning, non-BPs generally don’t understand that part of limit setting: 

**Once you set the limit, it no longer matters very much what you say: what you COMMUNICATE is how you act.***

That’s why the planning process includes the “C” CONSEQUENCES. Before you set the limit, you already KNOW what you will do when the limit is ignored—which it WILL BE. That is part of the “extinction process,” which I will explain in a minute (I’m going to jump ahead of myself and address your comments about this). 



That doesn’t mean the limit has failed, just that you’re not in the phase of teaching people what you will and will not accept in your life.

Skills - Validation, How to Communicate in a positive way

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81610.msg807685#msg807685

Painful feelings that are expressed, acknowledged and validated by a trusted listener will diminish.

Painful feelings that are ignored will gain strength.

(from http://eqi.org/valid.htm)

We have all sat through a major rant by our loved one, where they seemed to dump  everything onto our laps. We are blamed as the source of all their anger, pain, frustration, anxiety, and heartbreak. Often times we try to defend ourselves by explaining our point of view, which in reality invalidates the BPD as a person , making the situation worse. Arguments and explanations, which we do naturally when being falsely or unfairly accused, escalates the argument causing more problems. That is why we say:

·       Don't defend

·       Don't explain

·       Don't attempt to justify

·       Don't counter attack

Here is a link defining and explaining the trouble with invalidation (http://www.bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81486.0


So what are we to do then, to manage the situation?
Just sit there and take it on the chin?
No, you can try to Validate the other persons feelings, that's what.

Validation is NOT placating, agreeing with somebody when you really think they are wrong, "walking on eggshells", or enabling somebody. It can be used not just with your bpd loved one, but friends, family members, coworkers, customers and clients!  

But what exactly are we validating?

·       You are validating that you understand them.

·       That you accept they have a right to their feelings. Even if you don't agree with them.

·       That it is a reasonable possibility, and that others would feel the same way.

·       That you have empathy for them (a true connection with what they are going through).

·       That there is a kernel of truth to what they are expressing.

·       That they have a legitimate right to feel as they do.

Validation is not just blind agreement. It is also not just repeating what they say. Validation goes to the heart of the persons

·       emotions

·       wants and desires

·       beliefs and opinions

·       actions

·       suffering

Validation creates a bond between two people, where the person speaking feels really listened to and heard. It increases acceptance and decreases conflict.

Especially important, it builds trust and intimacy, and establishes you as a safe and respectful person.

Practice on someone safe, or during a quieter time, when you are able to focus and don't feel like you are on the defense. Try to:

·       Acknowledge the other person's feelings

·       Identify the feelings - sad, frustrated, blocked, unheard, lonely, depressed

·       Offer to listen (see EQ-Based Listening)

·       Help them label the feelings

·       Be there for them; remaining present physically and emotionally - don't multi task or plan what your response

·       Feel patient - allow them to express themselves fully

·       Feel accepting and non-judgmental - don't label them as bad or wrong or crazy

Validation video
Here is an excellent chance to learn validation from a renowned specialist in the field of BPD and DBT. It's like having your own private validation lesson and includes a power point slide along with the video of the lecture. The first video is 51 min, so get comfortable and open your mind and your heart to the power of validation.
Dr. Alan Fruzzetti is the author of "High Conflict Couples" and works closely with Dr Marsha Linehan and the NEA BPD. This video (and many others) can be found at NEA BPD.


~~ Link for the  validation video: Is found on NEA for BPD's "video page". This link places you on the "video/audio" page - scroll down to the subsection "Consumers and Family" and select
"Understanding Validation in Families" by Alan Fruzzetti   51min 53 sec
http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/videos-by-topic.shtml

~~ Audio for the Alan Fruzzetti validation:
http://web4.streamhoster.com/video4nea/Validation_AEF.mp3

Skills - Radical Acceptance

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.msg610979#msg610979

Radical Acceptance and a Borderline Spouse

Living with someone who suffers from borderline personality disorder is extremely difficult, as we all know first hand. We are all familiar with the verbal attacks, emotional blackmail, manipulation, hurtful criticism, threats, and the silent treatment. Being woken up in the middle of the night, listening to rage, having intimacy withheld from us... the list could go on and on... yet many of us (unless we have children or parents with bpd) have chosen to get into the situation and stay in the situation in which we are living with or dealing with someone with bpd. .

The reason is different for each of us, but in the end, our goal is to make things better.  How do we go about doing that when so much of the problem seems to be out of our control?  How do we handle something that is so difficult to understand as borderline personality disorder?

One way is to stop fighting things and defending yourself; to learn to let go and accept what is:  Radical acceptance.

When faced with a painful situation, you really have only 4 options:

·       Solve the problem.

·       Change how you feel about the problem.

·       Accept it.

·       Stay miserable; continue to be a victim.

Everyone feels pain. It is part of life to experience painful moments. We grow and learn from the pain we endure. Many times we fight against it and say to ourselves "this isn't fair".  Yeah, it may not be, but by fighting against it, you aren't working through it. The very fact that you are judging it as "not right" or "unfair" means that you aren't accepting it. Yeah, it hurts. Yeah, it isn't your fault. Yeah, things can be better. Accepting the reality allows the pain to go away. Dwelling on the unfairness only keeps you stuck in your misery.

Pain + non acceptance = suffering.

Reality is what it is

Everything has a cause

Life can be worth living - even when there is pain in it.

If you accept your life "as it is" then you can let go of the bitterness and the anger and the "why me" stuff, you can begin to focus on things that you can change, and to let go of the things that you can't.

People say "I can't stand it!"   

What is "it" that you can’t stand? How do we define “it”.

The problem isn't the experience, but our interpretation of the experience.

It's how we see "it" and judge "it" that influences how we feel about "it". The glass can be half empty or it can be half full. We determine that. The glass just is what it is... a glass.

This isn't easy.

You will need to do this many many times during the day.

Change never comes easy - but - nothing changes without changes....

Skills - Invalidation, what you say wrong that makes things worse

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.msg805684#msg805684

Are you making things worse?

our responses to them
"I never did that!"
"That is so wrong!"
"Why can't you just let it go?"
"why do you always have to do this?"
"But I always do it that way"
"This is what actually happened"
"NO, you've got it wrong!"
"Why won’t you listen to me?"
"That’s not what I meant"
"That’s not what happened"

Many times, when we are communicating with our loved ones, the words we use to explain ourselves or to justify ourselves, or to prove our point, come across as challenging and defiant to them. How often have you been in a conversation where the more you tried to explain something, the less the other person seemed to hear you and the angrier they got?
That's because your words were essentially telling the other person they're wrong and you're right. You may very well be right, but when dealing with a person who is extremely sensitive and easily dysregulated, then your words are like waving a red cape in front of a bull.

When they are telling us how they feel or how they understand something, and we argue with them, we are telling them their feelings and beliefs are wrong. Our disagreement triggers them into the shame-blame spiral and we end up with a huge fight on our hands - for what?

Feelings and emotions can never be wrong. They are based on our beliefs and our interpretations of things, and telling someone that you don't agree with what they are saying means essentially that their feelings are wrong. How can a feeling be wrong?

Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature and may be called a crime against nature, "psychological murder", or "soul murder." Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile. A good guideline is:

First accept the feelings, then address the behavior.
If you fight to be right - you lose.


We need to accept that our loved ones (or others in our life with bpd) don’t think the same way we do, and that while many of the arguments seem to come from nowhere, or make little sense, we are  the ones who end up making things worse than they need to be if we use an invalidating response. The more we try to explain and defend ourselves, the worse things actually become.  We throw fuel on the fire by invalidating their opinions, beliefs, statements, ideas, suggestions, or emotions.

Explanations and defenses = more anger

Someone who suffers from BPD and a non are living in two different worlds.  When the person with bpd is triggered, they are pure emotions and primitive defenses.  There is no logic to what they are feeling, which is why they have trouble articulating and expressing themselves, since they don’t know why or where the feelings are coming from.  We, on the other hand, try to approach the situation from a logical standpoint.  That if we can just find the right words or phrases, that it will suddenly make sense to the other person and the argument will end.  We might as well be speaking Polish to them though, since they are in an emotional state and we are defending with logic.  See the problem here? Our own defenses make things worse, since we use terms and defenses that invalidate how the other person feels. 

They are emotional - we are logical. Two different attempts to communicate.

So, we need to find a way to stop things from getting worse, by recognizing what we are doing wrong first.

Before we can validate, we must stop invalidating.

Words and phrases that are invalidating to others (not just those with bpd):

*ordering them to feel differently- "get over it. be happy."

*ordering them to look differently- "don't look so sad."

*denying their perception or defending - "that's not what I meant"

*making them feel guilty- "I tried to help you"

*trying to isolate them- "you are the only one who feels that way"

*minimizing their feeling- "you must be kidding"

*using reason- "you are not being rational"

*debating- "I don't always do that"

*judging and labeling them- "you're too sensitive"

*turning things around- "you're making a big deal out of nothing"

*trying to get them to question themselves- "why can't you just get over it?"

*telling them how they should feel- "you should be happy"

*defending the other person- "she didn't mean it that way"

*negating, denial, and confusion- "now you know that isn't true"

*sarcasm and mocking- "you poor baby"

*laying guilt trips- "don't you ever think of anyone else?"

*philosophizing and cliches- "time heals all wounds"

*talking about them when they can hear it- "you can't say anything to her"

*showing intolerance- "I am sick of hearing about it"

*trying to control how long someone feels about something- "you should be over that by now"

*explanation- "maybe it's because _______ "

Why do we do this?  To build character - to make them stronger and more self sufficient (that's what we tell ourselves). But BPD's are more sensitive, highly reactive, and slower to return to normal than others. That is a fact we need to understand and appreciate, by adjusting the way we respond and communicate with them.

Actually, go through each of those invalidating statements/responses and think about how it feels/how it felt when someone (not necessarily the disordered person in your life)  used those statements on you!!