Figuring out that someone we care about is mentally ill is such a relief. We finally have a label that explains so much of the horror and confusion we have gone through. It isn't our fault after all. They are the ones who are sick and crazy - not us. The diagnosis proves who’s right and who’s wrong. It proves that we are the innocent victims in this relationship….
I would like to gently challenge that notion. The trouble with being a victim is that this kind of thinking keeps us stuck in a dysfunctional pattern. If we are a victim, then we can’t be blamed. It absolves us from all responsibility. It reinforces the thought patterns that we can’t do anything about the abuse. That we are helpless. It prevents us from reaching for the tools to grow so that we too can heal ourselves. It hides the choices we avoided. It repaints the responsibility we dodged. While it may feel good to be relieved of that responsibility, it isn’t the healthy road to take.
Our dreams and fantasies are that the pwBPD in our lives will suddenly get therapy and become “cured”. If they were “cured”, then supposedly everything would be OK. Sadly, this dream misses a major component – us. We too, are sick. How? You may ask?
Because it takes two people for an argument. It takes two people for emotional blackmail to work. It takes two people if someone is being abused. It takes two for most of lifes events. We choose to stand there and listen as they screamed and yelled at us. We choose to not walk away when things became uncomfortable. We choose to plead with them during the long stretches of silent treatment. We choose to continue living there. We choose to stay in contact. These are choices that we made. Yes, they were out of love, but love for whom? Why did we love them more than we love ourselves? Why didn’t we protect ourselves? Why didn’t we take care of ourselves? Without changes in us, things are doomed to fail.
The real hope lies in helping the non take a step back from the dysfunction. To untangle the emeshment. To stop rescuing and to allow the pwBPD to feel and maybe learn from their mistakes. To provide them with the opportunity to make healthier choices. To remove their unhealthy coping mechanisms – their inclination to abuse us.
