Many of the members at http://www.bpdfamily.com say one thing yet do another when it comes to their loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder. They have a hard time following through on what they say they will do. This is often the result of having weak or soft boundaries. What are boundaries?
* Limit or line over which you will not allow anyone to cross because of the negative impact of its being crossed in the past.
* Emotional and physical space you need in order to be the real you without the pressure from others to be something that you are not.
* Emotional and/or physical perimeter of your life which is or has been violated when you were emotionally, verbally, physically and/or sexually abused..
* Balanced emotional and physical limits set on interacting with another so that you can achieve an interdependent relationship of independent beings who do not lose their personal identity, uniqueness and autonomy in the process.
* Clearly defined limits within which you are free to be yourself with no restrictions placed on you by others as to how to think, feel or act.
* Set of parameters which make you a unique, autonomous and free individual who has the freedom to be a creative, original, idiosyncratic problem solver.
So boundaries are the guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits. They are intended to keep bad things away from us. They are how we protect ourselves so that we aren’t hurt or taken advantage of. It is the power to say “no” and the strength to take action. When used properly, they are a sign of healthy self care, like refusing to ride with someone who’s been drinking or to allow someone else to make our decisions for us. Unfortunately, many of us don’t use boundaries as often as we should, which allows others to take advantage of us or harm us in some very painful ways. While there are a variety of possible reasons, many based on a low sense of self esteem, there are times when our inability to enforce our boundaries is based on fear or exhaustion. We fear the consequences if we say “no” or we are just too worn out from what seems like a constant battle, so we give in.
If your gut clenches up at the thought of enforcing a boundary, then it is possible that your fears are actually preventing you from taking care of yourself. How? If you fear a person’s anger more than you fear riding in the car with someone who’s been drinking, then your fear of them is more than your fear of dying. If you fear stating your preferences, then you allowing someone else to determine what you need or desire. If you are afraid to walk away from an abusive argument, then your fears are allowing them to verbal abuse you. Essentially, your fears are allowing others to manipulate and control you.
Sheer exhaustion can also weaken your ability to enforce boundaries. Example, your young teenager nags and nags and nags you to lend them the money and to give them permission to attend a concert (which runs way past curfew, and which isn’t intended for young kids), till you finally just give in. Your spouse wants to go on a fancy vacation way beyond your budget. After months of badgering, ridiculing, and nagging, you finally agree to go – even though you aren’t sure how you will pay for it. By giving in you are taking the path of least resistance and getting some relief from the pressure the other person has placed on you with their constant pushing and badgering. You are also rewarding them for their behavior though, guaranteeing that they will use the same tactic the next time they want something from you. To overcome a fear based aversion to enforcing boundaries, you must first admit to them. Admitting that you are afraid of someone’s reaction can help you examine your fears, which is the next step – analyzing what you fear – someone’s anger. To reduce and control your fears, you need to analyze and dissect them. Are they based on distortions or will you really be killed if you are late coming home? If they are based on threats you’ve been told, is the threat of their anger worse than the fear of dying? Do you believe the person would actually follow through on their threats? Can you face that threat and follow it through to it’s logical conclusion – and envision how you would cope if it came true? Would you be able to survive? What are you realistic options? Facing your fears and making plans removes a lot of the power they have over you.
If sheer exhaustion is wearing you down, then you need to practice better self care. Just like when your body is wore down it is more susceptible to getting sick, so is your emotional strength wore down when it feels drained and empty. Making the time to do things for yourself is critical to help balance out your emotional strength. This could take the form of getting some alone time, meeting with supportive friends or family members, engaging in activities that rejuvenate you, or getting some personal therapy to help you with rebuilding your inner strength. Essentially, the better we feel about ourselves the easier it is to withstand stressful situations and the pressure others place on us.
The bottom line though - If you aren’t enforcing a boundary with actions, then all you are doing is making a request that can be ignored.
