“I’m learning about all these new skills on how to stop making things worse and how to make them better, and they all make sense, yet somehow I can’t seem to follow through and actually “DO” them. When the time comes, I seem to freeze up or I forget what I’m supposed to do. I wish I had someone who could be there to help me when the time actually came, or someone to practice this stuff with. That would allow me to feel more confident when the time came to use the skills. “
“Finding someone to help me in person, who understands the issues, who has experience with them – that would be sweet.”
“United for Now seems to have such wisdom and experience. I wish there was a way that I could tap into that when I need it the most.”
“When I first came here, I was so confused and hurt. I thought that if I could just fix my spouse, that everything would be better. It wasn’t until I began to focus on myself that things began to get better. I learned to take care of myself in healthy ways. I learned how to communicate with empathy. It has really changed my relationship for the better.”
Now, why aren't your "boundaries" working for you?
Cause they aren't really boundaries, they are requests. "He" controls whether he leaves or not - you don't - and he previously chose to ignore your request. You waited 3 weeks and wound up backing down. He's counting on that happening again. He doesn't believe that you will really leave him. This is a sign of poor respect for you, your feelings and your wishes.
How do you change this around?
First, don't say anything you aren't willing to follow through on.
If you doubt your ability to kick him out or to leave yourself, then don't threaten it. Come up with another way.
Once you know how you are going to handle it, here's an outline of how to set a boundary that takes care of you...
"I won't be in a relationship with someone who I don't feel secure with, so I'm going to... (take a pick)
a) hire a lawyer tomorrow."
b) I am moving in with my best friend/sister."
c) assume we are no longer married and begin to live my life that way."
d) ask to see your phone records so that there are no secrets."
These are decisions only YOU can make - this is your life.
You have our support though...
Validation – when is it just silly?
It's very easy to reach the point of being too tired to care - and that's perfectly OK to feel that way.
Whenever you reach that point though, whether it be in your job, with a friend, or in your relationship - that is a huge that you are giving too much to others and not enough to yourself.
We don't take care of someone else's needs at the expense of our own. Translation - if you don't feel like validating then take a time out. No one is saying you have to stick around and babysit your partner. No one is suggesting that you give and give and give when you are on empty.
In fact - the number one thing we suggest to everyone is to work on taking care of themselves....
This means walking away from abuse.
This means doing healthy things for yourself.
This means seeing friends and family to find support.
This means that you don't give what you can't - or don't feel like - giving....
Our partners can be very needy and very demanding.
Surprise - they are mentally ill.
Sadly, this means that you can't wait for them to do the right thing when they are dysregulated.
Taking care of yourself if YOUR responsibility.
It's up to us to set healthy boundaries that take care of us.
It's up to us to do what is good for us.
If you don't take care of yourself, then I'm sorry to say, you are choosing to allow yourself to be hurt.
You are choosing to be a victim.
You are choosing to love someone else more than you love yourself.
That is a sign of your own unhealthiness, not your partners...A healthy person would have walked away a long time ago.
That mirror is painful to look into, but it where our own healing begins...
Something to think about.....
Whenever you reach that point though, whether it be in your job, with a friend, or in your relationship - that is a huge that you are giving too much to others and not enough to yourself.
We don't take care of someone else's needs at the expense of our own. Translation - if you don't feel like validating then take a time out. No one is saying you have to stick around and babysit your partner. No one is suggesting that you give and give and give when you are on empty.
In fact - the number one thing we suggest to everyone is to work on taking care of themselves....
This means walking away from abuse.
This means doing healthy things for yourself.
This means seeing friends and family to find support.
This means that you don't give what you can't - or don't feel like - giving....
Our partners can be very needy and very demanding.
Surprise - they are mentally ill.
Sadly, this means that you can't wait for them to do the right thing when they are dysregulated.
Taking care of yourself if YOUR responsibility.
It's up to us to set healthy boundaries that take care of us.
It's up to us to do what is good for us.
If you don't take care of yourself, then I'm sorry to say, you are choosing to allow yourself to be hurt.
You are choosing to be a victim.
You are choosing to love someone else more than you love yourself.
That is a sign of your own unhealthiness, not your partners...A healthy person would have walked away a long time ago.
That mirror is painful to look into, but it where our own healing begins...
Something to think about.....
Is he being selfish and cruel? Learning to take care of yourself
Dear, your bf is mentally ill.
He will interpret many things that you do incorrectly.
That doesn't mean that his version is right though.
As the mentally healthier person, we have to be able to look beyond what he says and see the whole picture.
His needs are to abuse you when he is upset.
His needs are to verbally bash you when he feels down.
His needs are to bind you to him when he is lonely or afraid.
His needs are to control what you do/ who you see/ how you do things so that he can feel more in control.
His needs are abusive and unhealthy.
His needs are selfish and childish.
His needs don't consider YOUR needs in any shape or fashion...
Right now, things are unhealthy and hurtful to you, since you are loving him more than you are loving yourself.
When we love ourselves, we don't allow others to abuse us
He will interpret many things that you do incorrectly.
That doesn't mean that his version is right though.
As the mentally healthier person, we have to be able to look beyond what he says and see the whole picture.
His needs are to abuse you when he is upset.
His needs are to verbally bash you when he feels down.
His needs are to bind you to him when he is lonely or afraid.
His needs are to control what you do/ who you see/ how you do things so that he can feel more in control.
His needs are abusive and unhealthy.
His needs are selfish and childish.
His needs don't consider YOUR needs in any shape or fashion...
Right now, things are unhealthy and hurtful to you, since you are loving him more than you are loving yourself.
When we love ourselves, we don't allow others to abuse us
Learning to recognize manipulation
Progress is made one step at a time
Feeling good about yourself is a wonder drug, and it's made possible when you take care of yourself. So often we become emeshed with our partners, where all they have to do is mention they are thirsty and we find ourselves rushing to fulfill their needs without even being asked. This has been the dance we've followed. No one made us do these things - we chose to do them out of a sense of love for them. We tried to make things easier for them. We tried to do nice things for them. We tried fix all of their problems and be the solution to their troubles... We worked our tails off to fill their wishes and their needs...
Somehow we got so caught up in taking care of them that we lost sight of ourselves
the trouble - is that when we fulfill all of their needs we deprive them of any feeling of personal satisfaction or the opportunity to learn and grow from their mistakes.
She is a big girl. If she really wants something, then part of taking care of yourself is to find a healthy way to get it. Allowing her to experience that is one of the greatest gifts you can give her. A sense of accomplishment
Feeling good about yourself is a wonder drug, and it's made possible when you take care of yourself. So often we become emeshed with our partners, where all they have to do is mention they are thirsty and we find ourselves rushing to fulfill their needs without even being asked. This has been the dance we've followed. No one made us do these things - we chose to do them out of a sense of love for them. We tried to make things easier for them. We tried to do nice things for them. We tried fix all of their problems and be the solution to their troubles... We worked our tails off to fill their wishes and their needs...
Somehow we got so caught up in taking care of them that we lost sight of ourselves
the trouble - is that when we fulfill all of their needs we deprive them of any feeling of personal satisfaction or the opportunity to learn and grow from their mistakes.
She is a big girl. If she really wants something, then part of taking care of yourself is to find a healthy way to get it. Allowing her to experience that is one of the greatest gifts you can give her. A sense of accomplishment
Validation – when is it just silly?
Sounds like your wife is mentally ill
One of the most basic of human needs is to feel accepted. Your wife often doesn't feel that way. She feels shame for what she does wrong, she feels fear over who's going to stay with her, she feels anxiety of looking bad/wrong, she worries over who's out to get her. She is essentially constantly on the lookout for invalidation, and when she finds it (or believes she does) she takes aim and blasts it away so she doesn't get hurt. Her responses are dysfunctional ways of coping with life's stresses.
Is it rational? NO! that's why we classify her as mentally ill.
No amount of logical reasoning or gifted rhetoric will get her to "see" how she's wrong. This isn't about "facts" its about her feeling misunderstood and unaccepted - or in the previous case - unwanted as an exercise partner.
Validation is a soothing balm to her soul. It calms her down and makes her feel heard. It gives her the sense that you finally understand what she's going through. It is a gift that will bring the two of you closer...
Now, does that mean we run around offering her validation for everything she says or does?
Again - NO. We validate the valid while still taking care of ourselves. We can validate that she is upset that you are going out with the guys while still maintaining your right to go out. Validation doesn't mean we give in to them, it just means that we accept that she isn't happy that you are going out without her.
It's all about empathy and trying - really trying - to understand their feelings.
The path you are on right now won't make things better, which if that is your goal - separation - then that's fine. If you are working to keep the family together though, then working on real validation will get you a lot more peace and happiness.
You get more with positive reinforcement than you do through other means.
Right now your expectations aren't being met and you are frustrated.
Well, you are the one creating your own frustration my friend...
"you can't make a duck bark, it only frustrates you and pisses off the duck"
One of the most basic of human needs is to feel accepted. Your wife often doesn't feel that way. She feels shame for what she does wrong, she feels fear over who's going to stay with her, she feels anxiety of looking bad/wrong, she worries over who's out to get her. She is essentially constantly on the lookout for invalidation, and when she finds it (or believes she does) she takes aim and blasts it away so she doesn't get hurt. Her responses are dysfunctional ways of coping with life's stresses.
Is it rational? NO! that's why we classify her as mentally ill.
No amount of logical reasoning or gifted rhetoric will get her to "see" how she's wrong. This isn't about "facts" its about her feeling misunderstood and unaccepted - or in the previous case - unwanted as an exercise partner.
Validation is a soothing balm to her soul. It calms her down and makes her feel heard. It gives her the sense that you finally understand what she's going through. It is a gift that will bring the two of you closer...
Now, does that mean we run around offering her validation for everything she says or does?
Again - NO. We validate the valid while still taking care of ourselves. We can validate that she is upset that you are going out with the guys while still maintaining your right to go out. Validation doesn't mean we give in to them, it just means that we accept that she isn't happy that you are going out without her.
It's all about empathy and trying - really trying - to understand their feelings.
The path you are on right now won't make things better, which if that is your goal - separation - then that's fine. If you are working to keep the family together though, then working on real validation will get you a lot more peace and happiness.
You get more with positive reinforcement than you do through other means.
Right now your expectations aren't being met and you are frustrated.
Well, you are the one creating your own frustration my friend...
"you can't make a duck bark, it only frustrates you and pisses off the duck"
Secret phone calls
Oh man, to go through this a second time has got to be painful
I went through a similar scare (he went on a trip and went no contact with me for 6 days) that just about destroyed me.
I promised myself I would NEVER go through it again - and I mean it.
I am prepared to live my life alone rather than go through that doubt, fear, anxiety, jealousy, and hurt again.
It's been 2 years now and it's never happened again.
Why? I believe cause he knows I'll leave him and that he isn't willing to risk it.
This is one boundary that he isn't willing to test again.
Quote from: banks on July 20, 2010, 04:16:00 PM
“I have told him if he wants a single life then leave, but he never has, I dont understand it, if this is the games he wants to play why doesnt he just GO.”
I went through a similar scare (he went on a trip and went no contact with me for 6 days) that just about destroyed me.
I promised myself I would NEVER go through it again - and I mean it.
I am prepared to live my life alone rather than go through that doubt, fear, anxiety, jealousy, and hurt again.
It's been 2 years now and it's never happened again.
Why? I believe cause he knows I'll leave him and that he isn't willing to risk it.
This is one boundary that he isn't willing to test again.
Quote from: banks on July 20, 2010, 04:16:00 PM
“I have told him if he wants a single life then leave, but he never has, I dont understand it, if this is the games he wants to play why doesnt he just GO.”
Now, why aren't your "boundaries" working for you?
Cause they aren't really boundaries, they are requests. "He" controls whether he leaves or not - you don't - and he previously chose to ignore your request. You waited 3 weeks and wound up backing down. He's counting on that happening again. He doesn't believe that you will really leave him. This is a sign of poor respect for you, your feelings and your wishes.
How do you change this around?
First, don't say anything you aren't willing to follow through on.
If you doubt your ability to kick him out or to leave yourself, then don't threaten it. Come up with another way.
Once you know how you are going to handle it, here's an outline of how to set a boundary that takes care of you...
"I won't be in a relationship with someone who I don't feel secure with, so I'm going to... (take a pick)
a) hire a lawyer tomorrow."
b) I am moving in with my best friend/sister."
c) assume we are no longer married and begin to live my life that way."
d) ask to see your phone records so that there are no secrets."
These are decisions only YOU can make - this is your life.
You have our support though...
Feeling deflated as he pulls away
It hurts when we get in that mind set of dissecting everything they say, looking for clues and hidden meanings
Dear, you are here because you believe your bf is mentally ill, yet you are venting over his behavior...
Trying to get a duck to bark only frustrates us and pisses off the duck
This line of thinking is going to keep you deeply emeshed and hurting
Right now - YOU are creating your own internal pain. You know what you want - you know he can't give it to you - he's being very honest and upfront that he won't give it to you - yet you are struggling to accept all of this.
Pain + non acceptance = suffering...
Being alone and feeling rejected hurts.
Rather than keep the focus on him and his intentions - maybe you should be examining your own
Dear, you are here because you believe your bf is mentally ill, yet you are venting over his behavior...
Trying to get a duck to bark only frustrates us and pisses off the duck
This line of thinking is going to keep you deeply emeshed and hurting
Right now - YOU are creating your own internal pain. You know what you want - you know he can't give it to you - he's being very honest and upfront that he won't give it to you - yet you are struggling to accept all of this.
Pain + non acceptance = suffering...
Being alone and feeling rejected hurts.
Rather than keep the focus on him and his intentions - maybe you should be examining your own
Help me – I’m stuck
I'm glad you brought this up ABD
Many of our members seem to be "stuck" and not moving forward. They discover BPD and that becomes the reason why their life sucks. Everything is blamed on it, even if the dog pees on the floor, it is somehow connected to the fact that our partners have a mental illness "Venting" seems to be the only reason why they come here, and month after month it is the same story, just a different time.
And even if everything was due to the fact that our partners have a serious mental illness - that doesn't take away our responsibility. It's not a "get out of jail for free" card for them or for us.
To me, it all ties in to the idea that we feel helpless to change things....
Luckily we have a really thought provoking article on being a victim. It's a long read, but it is an eye opener to how easy it is to find a convenient label (excuse) and to use it to avoid making any changes ourselves.
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90494.0
"Everything would be better if they didn't have BPD"
"they are the ones who are sick"
"it's all their fault"
"I can't change them"
"It's not fair"
"there's nothing I can do to change things - they are mentally ill"
"feel sorry for me - I'm a victim"
It's too easy to blame the other person for all the problems (sound familiar?)
It's too easy to keep doing the same ole thing
It's hard to recognize your own role in things
It's even harder to change the patterns - unless you are really dedicated to changing things.
Does it really matter if it's BPD or just a relationship difference?
Shouldn't we be working on "it", no matter what the cause is?
Yes, understanding what BPD means is important to developing empathy and understanding, but at the end of the day, we are still dealing with relationship issues that need to change.
Finding a solution is where change occurs.
Even after you do change the patterns, it doesn't mean everyone will live happily ever after.
It does mean that you will be healthier though, and if our partners choose to walk the path with us, then there is a chance that there will be a happy ever after...
Nothing changes without changes
Many of our members seem to be "stuck" and not moving forward. They discover BPD and that becomes the reason why their life sucks. Everything is blamed on it, even if the dog pees on the floor, it is somehow connected to the fact that our partners have a mental illness "Venting" seems to be the only reason why they come here, and month after month it is the same story, just a different time.
And even if everything was due to the fact that our partners have a serious mental illness - that doesn't take away our responsibility. It's not a "get out of jail for free" card for them or for us.
To me, it all ties in to the idea that we feel helpless to change things....
Luckily we have a really thought provoking article on being a victim. It's a long read, but it is an eye opener to how easy it is to find a convenient label (excuse) and to use it to avoid making any changes ourselves.
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90494.0
"Everything would be better if they didn't have BPD"
"they are the ones who are sick"
"it's all their fault"
"I can't change them"
"It's not fair"
"there's nothing I can do to change things - they are mentally ill"
"feel sorry for me - I'm a victim"
It's too easy to blame the other person for all the problems (sound familiar?)
It's too easy to keep doing the same ole thing
It's hard to recognize your own role in things
It's even harder to change the patterns - unless you are really dedicated to changing things.
Does it really matter if it's BPD or just a relationship difference?
Shouldn't we be working on "it", no matter what the cause is?
Yes, understanding what BPD means is important to developing empathy and understanding, but at the end of the day, we are still dealing with relationship issues that need to change.
Finding a solution is where change occurs.
Even after you do change the patterns, it doesn't mean everyone will live happily ever after.
It does mean that you will be healthier though, and if our partners choose to walk the path with us, then there is a chance that there will be a happy ever after...
Nothing changes without changes
Start focusing on yourself
If you feel lost and that unsure of yourself, then it is time for some major self care
Take a step back from focusing so much on HIM and start to think about YOU...
He can go jump in a lake for a bit while you soak in that tub of self nourishment and healing....
It is so hard loving someone who is mentally ill. It's also so easy to get lost in that bowl of spaghetti.
We need to have on our own oxygen mask so we can do what is right...
Take a step back from focusing so much on HIM and start to think about YOU...
He can go jump in a lake for a bit while you soak in that tub of self nourishment and healing....
It is so hard loving someone who is mentally ill. It's also so easy to get lost in that bowl of spaghetti.
We need to have on our own oxygen mask so we can do what is right...
Validation samples
This is where VALIDATION comes in.
you = "sorry I'm late honey. Traffic was a nightmare"
her = "you don't really mean that. That was a lame apology. Why can't you say it and really mean it?"
you = "I do mean it! I'm really sorry. I couldn't help it! Traffic just wouldn't go any faster!"
her = "Liar!... blah, blah, blah,".... argument becomes nasty and circular
If this is how a typical conversation goes, the error occurred right here:
you = "I do mean it! I'm really sorry. I couldn't help it! Traffic just wouldn't go any faster!"
This is you trying to explain with facts and reasons why you were late. This is you Invalidating your partner's expressed feelings and emotions. She doesn't really care about the facts - this is purely about her feelings. Trying to combat feelings with facts is like going to a gun fight with a knife - BANG! - you lose.
First of all - don't make things worse, and JADE will help you remember.
Don't justify
Don't accuse
Don't defend
Don't explain
Then, pick the right tool for the job. In this case - VALIDATION
you = "sorry I'm late honey. Traffic was a nightmare"
her = "you don't really mean that. That was a lame apology. Why can't you say it and really mean it?"
you = "what makes you believe I don't mean it?" Tone is critical here, no sarcasm or impatience
her = "cause if you meant it, you would have called me to let me know you were going to be late"
you = " so you were worried?"
her = "you were late and I didn't know where you were or if you were OK"
you = "I can see how my not calling you would upset you. I guess I need to get better at letting you know if I'm held up in traffic so that you don't worry"
by not defending yourself right away, and asking a question, you got more info out of her, so that you could respond to her emotions and feelings, which by the way, were worry, not anger. When we jump to defend ourselves, we aren't really listening....we make things worse... and we create more distance and hurt for both of us.
Tone is critical though. You really have to want to know what's bugging them.
~~warning~~
If your attempts to validate aren't working, then it is time to shift gears and take your
TIME OUT instead... we never validate abuse, so if they go instantly to verbally bashing you and are nasty and critical - don't validate that - take care of yourself and walk away....
you = "sorry I'm late honey. Traffic was a nightmare"
her = "you don't really mean that. That was a lame apology. Why can't you say it and really mean it?"
you = "I do mean it! I'm really sorry. I couldn't help it! Traffic just wouldn't go any faster!"
her = "Liar!... blah, blah, blah,".... argument becomes nasty and circular
If this is how a typical conversation goes, the error occurred right here:
you = "I do mean it! I'm really sorry. I couldn't help it! Traffic just wouldn't go any faster!"
This is you trying to explain with facts and reasons why you were late. This is you Invalidating your partner's expressed feelings and emotions. She doesn't really care about the facts - this is purely about her feelings. Trying to combat feelings with facts is like going to a gun fight with a knife - BANG! - you lose.
First of all - don't make things worse, and JADE will help you remember.
Don't justify
Don't accuse
Don't defend
Don't explain
Then, pick the right tool for the job. In this case - VALIDATION
you = "sorry I'm late honey. Traffic was a nightmare"
her = "you don't really mean that. That was a lame apology. Why can't you say it and really mean it?"
you = "what makes you believe I don't mean it?" Tone is critical here, no sarcasm or impatience
her = "cause if you meant it, you would have called me to let me know you were going to be late"
you = " so you were worried?"
her = "you were late and I didn't know where you were or if you were OK"
you = "I can see how my not calling you would upset you. I guess I need to get better at letting you know if I'm held up in traffic so that you don't worry"
by not defending yourself right away, and asking a question, you got more info out of her, so that you could respond to her emotions and feelings, which by the way, were worry, not anger. When we jump to defend ourselves, we aren't really listening....we make things worse... and we create more distance and hurt for both of us.
Tone is critical though. You really have to want to know what's bugging them.
~~warning~~
If your attempts to validate aren't working, then it is time to shift gears and take your
TIME OUT instead... we never validate abuse, so if they go instantly to verbally bashing you and are nasty and critical - don't validate that - take care of yourself and walk away....
The endless arguments – how to stop them
We've all been in them - those horrible arguments discussions. You know, the ones that make you want to
They go round and round and round.
Your SO doesn't even make sense half the time.
You're not even sure what you are arguing about
They can go on for hours and hours.
No one ever wins them.
Both people get hurt by them.
You want to pull your hair out
Why do they happen?
Cause our partners are mentally ill and have difficulty expressing themselves in clear enough fashion for us to understand.
Cause our partners are mentally ill and feelings = facts to them.
Cause our partners are mentally ill and they need to control what they can - us.
Cause our partners are mentally ill and can't stand to lose.
Cause we like to "be right" too.
Cause we can't let it go either.
Cause we need to prove our point.
Cause we are too afraid to walk away from the argument.
Cause we want to hurt them back.
Cause we feel trapped - either literally or emotionally.
Cause we hope that we can change their minds.
Cause we hope that we can get them to understand.
Cause we are co-dependent and need to "fix" them and their flawed way of thinking.
How do we stop them?
By taking control of the only thing you can - yourself.
That means that you recognize what is happening - a pointless argument that is going badly and that needs to end - then finding the courage/strength/attitude to take action and take a TIME OUT .
~ You don't wait to win or lose. It's not a competition.
~ You don't worry about how they will respond. This is about protecting yourself - not them.
~ You don't hope that it will end soon. You are not a helpless victim.
~ You don't fear their anger. You have a right to protect yourself from harm.
Write this on something and read it 10 times a day till you firmly get it.
* Don't argue
* Don't defend
* Don't justify
* Don't explain
* Don't counter attack
* Take care of yourself and take a time out.
Do you feel strong enough to stop the argument?
What do you fear if you don't?
They go round and round and round.
Your SO doesn't even make sense half the time.
You're not even sure what you are arguing about
They can go on for hours and hours.
No one ever wins them.
Both people get hurt by them.
You want to pull your hair out
Why do they happen?
Cause our partners are mentally ill and have difficulty expressing themselves in clear enough fashion for us to understand.
Cause our partners are mentally ill and feelings = facts to them.
Cause our partners are mentally ill and they need to control what they can - us.
Cause our partners are mentally ill and can't stand to lose.
Cause we like to "be right" too.
Cause we can't let it go either.
Cause we need to prove our point.
Cause we are too afraid to walk away from the argument.
Cause we want to hurt them back.
Cause we feel trapped - either literally or emotionally.
Cause we hope that we can change their minds.
Cause we hope that we can get them to understand.
Cause we are co-dependent and need to "fix" them and their flawed way of thinking.
How do we stop them?
By taking control of the only thing you can - yourself.
That means that you recognize what is happening - a pointless argument that is going badly and that needs to end - then finding the courage/strength/attitude to take action and take a TIME OUT .
~ You don't wait to win or lose. It's not a competition.
~ You don't worry about how they will respond. This is about protecting yourself - not them.
~ You don't hope that it will end soon. You are not a helpless victim.
~ You don't fear their anger. You have a right to protect yourself from harm.
Write this on something and read it 10 times a day till you firmly get it.
* Don't argue
* Don't defend
* Don't justify
* Don't explain
* Don't counter attack
* Take care of yourself and take a time out.
Do you feel strong enough to stop the argument?
What do you fear if you don't?
Practicing mindfulness
Practicing mindfulness doesn't have to be a huge production or take time out of your busy day.
Here's one way that I try to do it...
When I take a shower, I try to keep my attention and focus on what it feels like. How the water feels hitting my skin. How the heat soothes my sore muscles. How the scent of my soap smells as I use it. How the wash cloth feels against my skin as it moves across the various body parts. I watch the bubbles as they form and slide around on my skin. I pay attention to the water as it trickles down the side of the shower curtain and walls. Sometimes I just stand perfectly still, with my head down and observe how the water comes off my hair in streams and rivers...
Basically, I enjoy the experience of taking a shower.
My mind is clear of what I'm making for dinner, the many chores I'm forgetting, the plans I need to complete.... My mind is on the moment
Here's one way that I try to do it...
When I take a shower, I try to keep my attention and focus on what it feels like. How the water feels hitting my skin. How the heat soothes my sore muscles. How the scent of my soap smells as I use it. How the wash cloth feels against my skin as it moves across the various body parts. I watch the bubbles as they form and slide around on my skin. I pay attention to the water as it trickles down the side of the shower curtain and walls. Sometimes I just stand perfectly still, with my head down and observe how the water comes off my hair in streams and rivers...
Basically, I enjoy the experience of taking a shower.
My mind is clear of what I'm making for dinner, the many chores I'm forgetting, the plans I need to complete.... My mind is on the moment
Letting go of the need to rescue
It isn't easy to let go and watch them struggle. Our instincts are to save and to shelter. If you are having a hard time with his, then this is an area that you need to work on. They need our support, not our insecurities.
I try to use radical acceptance at times like this. I remind myself that I can't want it more than they do. Cause if that's the case, then they will fail anyways. They really have to want it. If I believe that they don't want it, that is my clue to back off and let go. The decision is theirs, as well as the consequences. We are just spectators. Does that make sense?
I try to use radical acceptance at times like this. I remind myself that I can't want it more than they do. Cause if that's the case, then they will fail anyways. They really have to want it. If I believe that they don't want it, that is my clue to back off and let go. The decision is theirs, as well as the consequences. We are just spectators. Does that make sense?
What is the difference between an emotional and physical affair?
To me, an emotional affair is closer than a friendship. There also has to be some level of attraction/fascination for it to qualify, but that doesn't mean that all your attractions will become emotional affairs.
Yes, it is hard to qualify, since it deals with emotions that occur inside someone else, which we can't control. Yet the very actions that happen when an emotional affairs occurs are withdrawing, withholding, and secrecy.
To me, an emotional affair takes away or deprives us of something. Time together. Focused attention. It reduces the loving gestures we used to get. It leaves us feeling "less than (important, loved, cared for, secure)" in some way, due to the changes in behavior.
Yes, the secrecy is a huge part of it, since the person hides what they are saying, writing, and doing with the other. Yet we often sense our partners pulling back and away from us, we just didn't trust our instincts (or trusted them too much). When we asked (if we had the courage to ask), we were told to "not worry. To not be so paranoid. That nothing was going on. They are just friends". So we allow ourselves to be soothed and pacified by these reassurances, while we receive less and less of what we crave - closeness and attention from our loved one. The other person seems to get the laughter and joy from our partner, while we get the criticism, complaints, pouting, and unhappy moments.
If there is a real possibility that our partners could/would fall in love with this person, then they are a threat to the relationship. This is especially true, if the other person is single and in need of rescuing, since that brings out the white knight/savior routine, increasing the intensity and ego of our spouses as they engage further and further with this other person.
If it is just a friend, then there is no worry about them replacing us. If there is a worry or possibility of that happening, then we need to become directly involved. If the relationship is innocent, then they should feel free to talk in front of us, share with us the funny text and jokes they trade, have us join them on their little lunches together, go with them on shopping trips, and show us the cute emails and letters they exchange. If our partners aren't willing to do this.... where there is smoke - there is often a fire....
Yes, it is hard to qualify, since it deals with emotions that occur inside someone else, which we can't control. Yet the very actions that happen when an emotional affairs occurs are withdrawing, withholding, and secrecy.
To me, an emotional affair takes away or deprives us of something. Time together. Focused attention. It reduces the loving gestures we used to get. It leaves us feeling "less than (important, loved, cared for, secure)" in some way, due to the changes in behavior.
Yes, the secrecy is a huge part of it, since the person hides what they are saying, writing, and doing with the other. Yet we often sense our partners pulling back and away from us, we just didn't trust our instincts (or trusted them too much). When we asked (if we had the courage to ask), we were told to "not worry. To not be so paranoid. That nothing was going on. They are just friends". So we allow ourselves to be soothed and pacified by these reassurances, while we receive less and less of what we crave - closeness and attention from our loved one. The other person seems to get the laughter and joy from our partner, while we get the criticism, complaints, pouting, and unhappy moments.
If there is a real possibility that our partners could/would fall in love with this person, then they are a threat to the relationship. This is especially true, if the other person is single and in need of rescuing, since that brings out the white knight/savior routine, increasing the intensity and ego of our spouses as they engage further and further with this other person.
If it is just a friend, then there is no worry about them replacing us. If there is a worry or possibility of that happening, then we need to become directly involved. If the relationship is innocent, then they should feel free to talk in front of us, share with us the funny text and jokes they trade, have us join them on their little lunches together, go with them on shopping trips, and show us the cute emails and letters they exchange. If our partners aren't willing to do this.... where there is smoke - there is often a fire....
How to respond to the silent treatment
The silent treatment works for them, since they "feel" justified in ignoring you and they believe it bothers you. When you take that control out of their hands and refuse to allow their behavior to spoil your happiness/plans/holidays/whatever, then you are regaining the ability to control your own emotions. They can see that you are living a happy life, continuing on with your normal activities, no longer chasing after them begging them to talk to you, cajoling them to join you in activities....and THAT is what causes them to rethink their strategy of punishing you. As long as they believe their punishment is working, they will continue to punish you....
Does that clear it up?
Does that clear it up?
