Skills - How to take a Time Out

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.msg842177#msg842177

“Here it comes” you think. Your loved one is showing the signs of being unsettled. They are in the complaining mode, where they list all the negative things that have ever happened to them. You can feel your tension building and you can see them becoming more and more upset. They are now in a full blown rage. Their logic is twisted and illogical, they are tossing accusations at you, calling you names, being critical and judgmental, trying to emotionally blackmail you, interrupting you, not listening to anything you say, using words like "never" and "always" to show that they have become totally dysregulated. 

Now what?
You tried empathetic listening.
You tried validation (if unsure, then reread the validation workshops)
You tried not arguing with them.

You even tried fighting back
Nothing seems to be working!!!

Well - you can't make them stop. No one can. At that point they are so far gone that they can't be reasoned with. If you continue to stay there and engage with them you are sending  the signal that it is OK to abuse you.

So the last option is to get away.
That means telling them you are taking a time out and walking out of the room, going to watch tv, read a book, take the dog (or just yourself) for a walk, go for a drive, or go work on a favorite hobby. My favorite is going to the bathroom for some privacy and time to think. Essentially - It means that you will no longer just sit there listening to them abuse you. It means that you will take care of yourself enough to leave an abusive situation.

“But I've tried that before and it makes things worse”, you say.
OK, I believe that you have tried, but maybe you were still too deep in the FOG to recognize how they were manipulating you.
* Maybe you did it in anger and frustration, yelling yourself and making things worse.
* Maybe you started out good, walking away and ignoring them, but they said something that you just HAD to respond to.
* Maybe you did it and they followed you into the next room, still yelling and carrying on.
* Maybe they stood in front of you and blocked you, or hid the car keys from you.
Only you know how things happened, but if they tried it once, they will probably do the same thing next time, so you need to be proactive and have yourself prepared on how you will deal with them next time it happens.

HOW TO EXECUTE THE TIME OUT

Facing your Fear. We stay because we believe that if we leave that something bad will happen. We get so many threats and warnings from them. Ok, so face those fears then. Take the time to really examine them. Is it a legitimate fear? Can they really do what they are threatening? How many times have they followed through on previous threats? If they do follow through, will you be able to withstand the pressure to hold your own ground? What are you willing to lose? What will happen? Will they get even angrier than they are now? Will they not talk to you for a few hours, days? Will they punish you in some other fashion? If so, can you handle that? Is the fear greater than the reality? If they have gotten physical in the past, can I get away soon enough to prevent that from occurring again?

Their goal is to keep the argument going, since they are getting a release from it. Sticking around and listening to them communicates that you can be controlled and that they can do whatever they want to you. It reinforces the belief that they have the power, that you are weak and helpless. It guarantees that they won’t respect you - ever.


How we take a time out can also make a huge difference. When you tried walking away before, what did you say to them? Anything? Or did you just walk out? Where you screaming obscenities as you left?

To reduce any blame and to try to avoid triggering further shame, it helps to come from a place of love and concern, to let them know “that I really want to hear what is in your heart and mind, but that I need to feel safe and respected in the process. Right now I don't feel that way, so I'm going to take a time out to allow both of us to calm down. We can try again later." It is even better if you discuss your plans ahead of time, during a calm moment. That way they won't be so surprised. I know we never want to deliberately mess up the good times, but think of it as taking one step backwards to go two forward...


Where to go? I like to use the bathroom as a short term way to escape. This 5 min interval can sometimes allow them to cool off a bit. Then when you return you can try to empathetically listen and to validate to see if that brings some calm. If they are still blaming and attacking you, then you need to go to another room completely. Plan on reading, watching TV, listening to the radio, playing a video game, doing some chores, or a favorite past time - anything to allow things to cool off and to get some space and distance from them.

If you have the type that follows you and won’t let it drop, accept that it will be a little more challenging for you, but that it is still possible. Your plan will require a greater distance, so just going to a different room won’t work. The first few times you will probably have to leave the area completely, by taking a walk (make sure you bring your house keys and a cell phone) or taking the car for a drive. If they follow in a different car, head for a police station or a large public place where they hopefully will fear creating a scene. If you fear they will become physical or if they have become physical in the past, then do not announce your plans to leave. You may have to trick them by going to the bathroom for a bit, and once you feel it is safe, then slip out the door. To avoid triggering their fear of abandonment, it may help to call them from your cell phone to let them know you are just taking a breather, that you will be back later and then hang up. Don't engage them on the phone. They need some time to cool off, and your very presence is triggering them even worse.


Now that I'm away, how do I deal with this feeling that I didn't do the right thing? Well, that feeling comes from breaking a conditioned response. You aren’t following their lead or allowing them to control you. Yes, there is uncertainty around this. Yes, they may become even angrier at you. That doesn’t change the  it is a very important step towards taking care of YOUR needs for once. If you believe in yourself, then you will be ok. They need to accept that verbally abusing you isn't ok, that from now on you will take care of yourself by taking a time out. If done in a loving fashion each and every time they become mean, they will eventually come to accept that you won't tolerate it anymore, and they will change their behavior. If they want to be heard, which they do, then they'll learn they can't yell at you. It will become worse before it gets better, remember the old extinction burst, but it should get easier to do and reduce the hurt.


 ** Safety concerns **
Arrange a safety signal with a neighbor as an alert to call the police if necessary.
Prepare an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes, important papers, money, extra keys and prescription medications.
Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there, even if you have to leave in the middle of the night.

Call a local women's shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233  to find out about legal options and resources available to you, before you need them.
If you have school-age children, notify the school authorities or school counselor about custody arrangements and warn them about possible threats.
Keep your communication private


US: what is an extinction burst and intermittent reinforcement
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

US: Believe in yourself
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78298.0

Skills - How to Stop Circular Arguments

Adapted from

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.msg1171097#msg1171097

We've all been in them - those horrible arguments discussions. You know, the ones that make you want to

They go round and round and round.
Your SO doesn't even make sense half the time.
You're not even sure what you are arguing about 
They can go on for hours and hours.
No one ever wins them.
Both people get hurt by them.

You want to pull your hair out 

Why do they happen?
Cause our partners are mentally ill and have difficulty expressing themselves in clear enough fashion for us to understand.
Cause our partners are mentally ill and feelings = facts to them.
Cause our partners are mentally ill and they need to control what they can - us.
Cause our partners are mentally ill and can't stand to lose.

Cause we like to "be right" too.
Cause we can't let it go either.
Cause we need to prove our point.
Cause we are too afraid to walk away from the argument.
Cause we want to hurt them back.
Cause we feel trapped - either literally or emotionally.
Cause we hope that we can change their minds.
Cause we hope that we can get them to understand.
Cause we are co-dependent and need to "fix" them and their flawed way of thinking.

How do we stop them?
By taking control of the only thing you can - yourself.

That means that you recognize what is happening - a pointless argument that is going badly and that needs to end - then finding the courage/strength/attitude to  take action and take a TIME OUT .
~ You don't wait to win or lose. It's not a competition.
~ You don't worry about how they will respond. This is about protecting yourself - not them.
~ You don't hope that it will end soon. You are not a helpless victim.
~ You don't fear their anger. You have a right to protect yourself from harm.

Write this on something and read it 10 times a day till you firmly get it.
* Don't argue
* Don't defend
* Don't justify
* Don't explain
* Don't counter attack
* Take care of yourself and take a time out.


Do you feel strong enough to stop the argument?

What do you fear if you don't?

Skills - Examples of Boundaries

Adapted from http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111417.msg1093550#msg1093550

Boundaries are how we protect ourselves.
They aren't rules for someone else, they are about how we chose to take care of ourselves.

I like the eyelash analogy.
Eyelashes are to protect the eye from harm. They keep dirt and dust out. Eyelashes don't try to control or punish the dirt, they just work to keep them away.
Boundaries work the same way. They protect us from harm. They keep abuse and danger away from us. Boundaries don't try to control or punish others, they just work to keep danger and pain away.

People are always asking "so what are some good examples of boundaries?"
There are 2 parts to boundaries, the words and thoughts we use (since boundaries don't have to be verbalized) and the actions we take to protect ourselves. To be effective, you have to believe that you have a right to protect yourself and to follow through with a realistic action.

Some examples of boundaries:

(words/thoughts) I will not ride in a car with someone who drives dangerously - (action) I will take my own car.

(words/thoughts) I will not be in a relationship if there is any cheating going on - (action) you leave the relationship

(words/thoughts) I will not listen to someone yelling or screaming at me - (action) I will take a time out or hang up.

(words/thoughts) I will eat my dinner when it is done - (action) I will not wait for others to eat.

(words/thoughts) I will pay X amount towards bills that I feel are necessary -(action) I will not pay for any extras.

(words/thoughts) I will clean up a messes "I"  make -(action) I will ignore messes I don't make.

(words/thoughts) I will wash clothes that are in the laundry room - (actions) I will not go get yours for you.

(word/thoughts) I can only receive 2 phone calls while at work - (actions) I will repeat my 2 phone call limit and hang  up.

Do you see how in all of these boundaries I am "not" telling the other person how to behave, what to do or not do or in any way trying to dictate to them how to live their life. I am clearly controlling that which I can -- myself.

Skills - Don't Pick it up!!

Adapted from

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106107.msg1044131#msg1044131

In the middle ages, that romantic time of knights in shining armor, men would challenge each other to fights by throwing their gauntlet (glove) on the ground. The person challenged then had the choice to either pick up the gauntlet - and therefore agree to battle - or walk away. The challenger would often throw in some juicy insults to help motivate the person challenged to agree to fight with them.

The interesting thing about that story, is that the person challenged had a choice in how they responded to that thrown gauntlet. It was very clear what the other person wanted - a fight (for whatever reason) - but it was also clear that the person challenged didn't have to fight unless they felt like it.

When a challenge is presented (the gauntlet is thrown down) - people who chose to fight do so for a few reasons: because they believe they can win, or to defend themselves or someone they care about. Our disordered loved ones present this option to us all the time. We are constantly having the gauntlet thrown at our feet. We just haven't learned to see it as such, therefore we weren't aware that we have a choice on whether we wish to pick it up or not.

Choice is a funny thing. Sometimes it's hard to see that you have one. Kind of like the bird that finally has the cage door thrown open, they don't recognize that they now have a chance for freedom. We need to recognize that we do have choices in how we respond to things. We don't HAVE to argue. We don't HAVE to discuss things. We don't HAVE to stay to be abused. We don't HAVE to stay awake. We don't HAVE to engage in intimacies.

Since love isn't suppose to be about winning or losing, why do we so often find it necessary to pick up that gauntlet?

Skills - Communication Outline

Adapted from http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.msg852876#msg852876

Just like math, there are formulas that can improve how well we communicate. They help to keep us on target and express ourselves fully. Once you learn these communication formulas, you can then figure out what your goals are and chose the right one for the right moment.

Knowing when to use them and which one to use will make them more effective.

There are 3 basic goals in communicating with others
* When we are trying to get what we want, then we have an objective – use DEARMAN
* When we are trying to keep the relationship intact  - use GIVE
* When we are trying to keep our sense of self respect – use FAST

Your overall goal determines which of these skills to use, for example:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DEARMAN is used when you have an objective , you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship.

Describe - describe the current situation as it stands, without using any judgments. Just stick to the facts.

Express - express your FEELINGS and OPINIONs about the situation. Assume that your feelings aren't obvious. Use clear language to help provide a reason, trying to stay with
"I" statements, such as "I want" or "I don't want" or "I feel". Be careful to stay away from using judgmental statements, Avoid saying things like "I need" or "you should" or "I can't". These will put your BP into defense mode and they won't hear your message.

Assert - assert yourself by ASKING for what you want, or by clearly SAYING NO to a request. Don't use insinuation. Don't assume others can read your mind. Don't beat around the bush. Be direct.

Reinforce - reinforce or reward the person ahead of time by explaining the positive consequences that will  make the relationship better. If appropriate, point out the possible negative consequences of your not getting what you want. Help the person feel good ahead of time and reward them afterwards. Validate the good.

(stay) Mindful - keep your focus on YOUR OBJECTIVES. Don't allow yourself to be sidetracked by old arguments or into defending yourself. Maintain your position.
* broken record - keep repeating your message over and over and over again.
* ignore - if the other person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or diversion attempts. Don't respond to attacks. Ignore any distractions. Keep making your point.

Appear confident - appear effective and competent. Use a confident tone of voice and physical manner. Make good eye contact. Don't stutter or stammer or back track by saying "I'm not sure"...Watch your body language.

Negotiate - be willing to GIVE to GET. Offer and ask for other possible suggestions and solutions to the problem. Reduce your request, while still maintaining NO, but offer something else. Focus on what will work.
* turn the tables - if you aren't getting anywhere, ask them "what do you think we should do?" "how do you think we can solve this?" "I'm not able to say YES, and you really seem to want me to. What can we do here?"

Warning:  Not following “all” the steps of DEARMAN is ineffective and argumentative. You need to go through ALL the steps. Don't leave any out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GIVE is used when you are working on keeping the relationship intact.  You are sincerely working on helping make things better. This is not used to get what you want or to prove your point. In fact, those will make things worse.

(be) Gentle - Be courteous and kind in your approach.
* no attacks - verbal or physical. Express your anger directly with empathy
* no threats - don't be manipulative, no hidden threats, tolerate a "no" to requests, try to stay in the discussion even if it gets a little painful (emotionally). If it becomes abusive towards you though, then exit gracefully by taking a time out.
* no judging - no moralizing "if you were a good person, you would", no "you should" or "you shouldn't" since they are clear judgments, and NO sarcasm

(act) Interested - really LISTEN and be interested in what the other person is saying. Try to see their point of view, opinion, or possible reason for saying NO or for their request of you. Don't interrupt, talk over or be rude. Be careful of your facial expressions and body language, that it is agreeable and honest.

Valiate - validate or ACKNOWLEDGE the other persons feelings, wants, difficulties, and opinions about the situation.

(use an) Easy manner - use a little humor to lighten the mood. Wheedle while being politically correct. Use a "soft sell" over a "hard sell" technique.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FAST is used to preserve your sense of self respect. This is your line in the sand kind of stuff. If you give in on these, you will feel awful about yourself.

(be) Fair - be fair to YOURSELF and to the OTHER person.

(no) Apologies - Don't be OVERLY apologetic. Don't apologize for being alive or for making the request at all. Don't apologize for having an opinion or for disagreeing.

Stick to your values - Stick to YOUR OWN values. Don't sell out your values or integrity for reasons that aren't important. Be clear on what you believe is the moral or valued way of thinking and acting, and "stick" to your guns.

(be) Truthful - DON'T LIE OR ACT HELPLESS when you are not. Do Not EXAGGERATE. Don't make up excuses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another great tool to use that is fairly easy to get is SET.

When first learning S.E.T., it can seem that you are being asked to agree with the BP. It important to clarify that validating feelings does not mean that you agree with them, only that you recognize that the BP is feeling them. It does not mean that you are letting the BP off the hook, instead you are focusing on honest communication and ensuring that you are being heard, not just reacting to and defending against what is being said.

S= Support refers to an initial statement which indicates the loved one supports the person with borderline personality. It is a statement that begins with "I" and demonstrates concern and a desire to help. The support statement is meant to reassure the BP that the relationship is a safe one, and that her needs matter even during this difficult moment.

E= Empathy refers to communicating that the loved one understands what the BP is feeling, and focuses on "you." It is not a conveyance of pity or sympathy, but instead a true awareness and validation of the feelings of the BP: "I see you are angry, and I understand how you can get mad at me," "How frustrating this must be for you."  It is important not to tell the BP how she is feeling, but instead put her demonstrated feelings into words. The goal is to convey a clear understanding of the uncomfortable feelings she is having and that they are OK.
Truth

T= Truth refers to a realistic and honest assessment of the situation and the BPs role in solving the problem. It is an objective statement that focuses on the "it" -- not on the subjective experience of the BP or Non-BP. Often the BP may seem to be asking, or demanding, something impossible, not taking an active role or responsibility in resolving the issue, or even presenting you with a "no-win" situation. The truth statement is meant to clearly and honestly respond to the difficult demand or behavior of the BP, while placing responsibility appropriately: "This is what I can do…," "This is what will happen…,"

Skills - Are you an Enabler?

Adapted from

 http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95263.msg942663#msg942663

What is the difference between being "supportive" and being "enabling" 

Being supportive is doing something for someone else that they are unable to do for themselves. Enabling is doing things for someone else that they can and should be doing for themselves. So, why is there so much confusion between the two?

Because we confuse helping someone with doing it for them. Because we are pressured and manipulated into believing that we should do things for others. Because we fear the consequences if we don’t do things for them. Because we base our self esteem on helping othes.

When we enable people (addicts, children, friends or family) we prevent them from experiencing the consequences of their own actions. We are also preventing them from realizing they have a problem and depriving them of fully reaching their own potential.

Over time it’s easy for the enabler to become resentful and angry and not know how to break the cycle of “helping others”.  Also, the “help” provided to those lacking the motivation and determination to stand on their own two feet can become a long-term expectation and even an outright demand.

What does support look like?

What does enabling look like?

Newdawn – Facing the Facts member

Support: 
If you are married and your spouse develops a problem with alcoholism, you support them in seeking treatment, setting clear boundaries around what you will and won't tolerate, and do what you can to help them to get healthy; and do what you can to maintain your health, too, including, sometimes, what may feel like tough love if you feel it's necessary for your own health or the health of your children and home life.  That also means letting the person experience the consequence of their decisions/actions/addictions.  This person would say they are supporting the person because they love them, even though it's hard.  You stay as healthy as possible, the family stays as healthy as possible, the person with the alcohol problem has a choice to get healthy or not.

Enabling:
If you were married and your spouse developed a problem with alcoholism, you would call his work for him on the mornings he was too drunk to go in explaining that he has the flu again, if he was verbally or emotionally abusive when drunk, you would hide the results from family/friends or make excuses for him, and rationalize it to yourself, you would go to great lengths to maintain an air of normalcy and work overtime to help compensate for a partner who is unable to contribute their part, and you would do so becasue you love them and care about them...but you would be building up a huge reserve of self-rightious resentment and bitterness, too.  Both of you get sicker, and the family gets sicker.

Auspicious – Facing the Facts member

Support:

 "Yeah, it does suck not having money to do fun things.  I wish we had some more options too.  Maybe we can figure out a few fun things that don't cost much."

Enabling:

 "OK, we'll ask for a credit line increase so we can charge some fun stuff."

Up from here – Facing the Facts member

Support
Okay, since you now want a joint account while I have worked to build a savings and you previously did not want one and you're having difficulty staying employed, we can go and open up a joint account.  You save "X" amount and I will contribute double that amount so that we can build a balance together.

Enabling
Okay now that you have lost another job you want access to my cash whereas before you lost your job you wanted nothing to do with opening a joint account.  Okay I'll give you legal access to half of everything I have saved and earned to keep you happy with me.

(I did the first one.  She didn't like that idea...)

Christy2 – Facing the Facts member

Good question - one I still struggle with, especially since I come from a FOO where rescuing people is held is such high regard.  But, I'll give it a stab....

Support:

Helping, along with others, to carry the dirt away while they dig themselves out of the hole.

Enabling:

Trying to dig them out of the hole yourself.

Are you the victim of somone with Borderline Personality Disorder?

Figuring out that someone we care about is mentally ill is such a relief. We finally have a label that explains so much of the horror and confusion we have gone through. It isn't our fault after all. They are the ones who are sick and crazy - not us. The diagnosis proves who’s right and who’s wrong. It proves that we are the innocent victims in this relationship….

I would like to gently challenge that notion. The trouble with being a victim is that this kind of thinking keeps us stuck in a dysfunctional pattern. If we are a victim, then we can’t be blamed. It absolves us from all responsibility. It reinforces the thought patterns that we can’t do anything about the abuse. That we are helpless. It prevents us from reaching for the tools to grow so that we too can heal ourselves. It hides the choices we avoided. It repaints the responsibility we dodged. While it may feel good to be relieved of that responsibility, it isn’t the healthy road to take.

Our dreams and fantasies are that the pwBPD in our lives will suddenly get therapy and become “cured”. If they were “cured”, then supposedly everything would be OK. Sadly, this dream misses a major component – us. We too, are sick. How? You may ask?

Because it takes two people for an argument. It takes two people for emotional blackmail to work. It takes two people if someone is being abused. It takes two for most of lifes events. We choose to stand there and listen as they screamed and yelled at us. We choose to not walk away when things became uncomfortable. We choose to plead with them during the long stretches of silent treatment. We choose to continue living there. We choose to stay in contact. These are choices that we made. Yes, they were out of love, but love for whom? Why did we love them more than we love ourselves? Why didn’t we protect ourselves? Why didn’t we take care of ourselves? Without changes in us, things are doomed to fail.

The real hope lies in helping the non take a step back from the dysfunction. To untangle the emeshment. To stop rescuing and to allow the pwBPD to feel and maybe learn from their mistakes. To provide them with the opportunity to make healthier choices. To remove their unhealthy coping mechanisms – their inclination to abuse us.