“Here it comes” you think. Your loved one is showing the signs of being unsettled. They are in the complaining mode, where they list all the negative things that have ever happened to them. You can feel your tension building and you can see them becoming more and more upset. They are now in a full blown rage. Their logic is twisted and illogical, they are tossing accusations at you, calling you names, being critical and judgmental, trying to emotionally blackmail you, interrupting you, not listening to anything you say, using words like "never" and "always" to show that they have become totally dysregulated.
Now what?
You tried empathetic listening.
You tried validation (if unsure, then reread the validation workshops)
You tried not arguing with them.
Now what?
You tried empathetic listening.
You tried validation (if unsure, then reread the validation workshops)
You tried not arguing with them.
You even tried fighting back
Nothing seems to be working!!!
Well - you can't make them stop. No one can. At that point they are so far gone that they can't be reasoned with. If you continue to stay there and engage with them you are sending the signal that it is OK to abuse you.
Nothing seems to be working!!!
Well - you can't make them stop. No one can. At that point they are so far gone that they can't be reasoned with. If you continue to stay there and engage with them you are sending the signal that it is OK to abuse you.
So the last option is to get away.
That means telling them you are taking a time out and walking out of the room, going to watch tv, read a book, take the dog (or just yourself) for a walk, go for a drive, or go work on a favorite hobby. My favorite is going to the bathroom for some privacy and time to think. Essentially - It means that you will no longer just sit there listening to them abuse you. It means that you will take care of yourself enough to leave an abusive situation.
“But I've tried that before and it makes things worse”, you say.
OK, I believe that you have tried, but maybe you were still too deep in the FOG to recognize how they were manipulating you.
* Maybe you did it in anger and frustration, yelling yourself and making things worse.
* Maybe you started out good, walking away and ignoring them, but they said something that you just HAD to respond to.
* Maybe you did it and they followed you into the next room, still yelling and carrying on.
* Maybe they stood in front of you and blocked you, or hid the car keys from you.
Only you know how things happened, but if they tried it once, they will probably do the same thing next time, so you need to be proactive and have yourself prepared on how you will deal with them next time it happens.
HOW TO EXECUTE THE TIME OUT
Facing your Fear. We stay because we believe that if we leave that something bad will happen. We get so many threats and warnings from them. Ok, so face those fears then. Take the time to really examine them. Is it a legitimate fear? Can they really do what they are threatening? How many times have they followed through on previous threats? If they do follow through, will you be able to withstand the pressure to hold your own ground? What are you willing to lose? What will happen? Will they get even angrier than they are now? Will they not talk to you for a few hours, days? Will they punish you in some other fashion? If so, can you handle that? Is the fear greater than the reality? If they have gotten physical in the past, can I get away soon enough to prevent that from occurring again?
Their goal is to keep the argument going, since they are getting a release from it. Sticking around and listening to them communicates that you can be controlled and that they can do whatever they want to you. It reinforces the belief that they have the power, that you are weak and helpless. It guarantees that they won’t respect you - ever.
How we take a time out can also make a huge difference. When you tried walking away before, what did you say to them? Anything? Or did you just walk out? Where you screaming obscenities as you left?
To reduce any blame and to try to avoid triggering further shame, it helps to come from a place of love and concern, to let them know “that I really want to hear what is in your heart and mind, but that I need to feel safe and respected in the process. Right now I don't feel that way, so I'm going to take a time out to allow both of us to calm down. We can try again later." It is even better if you discuss your plans ahead of time, during a calm moment. That way they won't be so surprised. I know we never want to deliberately mess up the good times, but think of it as taking one step backwards to go two forward...
Where to go? I like to use the bathroom as a short term way to escape. This 5 min interval can sometimes allow them to cool off a bit. Then when you return you can try to empathetically listen and to validate to see if that brings some calm. If they are still blaming and attacking you, then you need to go to another room completely. Plan on reading, watching TV, listening to the radio, playing a video game, doing some chores, or a favorite past time - anything to allow things to cool off and to get some space and distance from them.
Facing your Fear. We stay because we believe that if we leave that something bad will happen. We get so many threats and warnings from them. Ok, so face those fears then. Take the time to really examine them. Is it a legitimate fear? Can they really do what they are threatening? How many times have they followed through on previous threats? If they do follow through, will you be able to withstand the pressure to hold your own ground? What are you willing to lose? What will happen? Will they get even angrier than they are now? Will they not talk to you for a few hours, days? Will they punish you in some other fashion? If so, can you handle that? Is the fear greater than the reality? If they have gotten physical in the past, can I get away soon enough to prevent that from occurring again?
Their goal is to keep the argument going, since they are getting a release from it. Sticking around and listening to them communicates that you can be controlled and that they can do whatever they want to you. It reinforces the belief that they have the power, that you are weak and helpless. It guarantees that they won’t respect you - ever.
How we take a time out can also make a huge difference. When you tried walking away before, what did you say to them? Anything? Or did you just walk out? Where you screaming obscenities as you left?
To reduce any blame and to try to avoid triggering further shame, it helps to come from a place of love and concern, to let them know “that I really want to hear what is in your heart and mind, but that I need to feel safe and respected in the process. Right now I don't feel that way, so I'm going to take a time out to allow both of us to calm down. We can try again later." It is even better if you discuss your plans ahead of time, during a calm moment. That way they won't be so surprised. I know we never want to deliberately mess up the good times, but think of it as taking one step backwards to go two forward...
Where to go? I like to use the bathroom as a short term way to escape. This 5 min interval can sometimes allow them to cool off a bit. Then when you return you can try to empathetically listen and to validate to see if that brings some calm. If they are still blaming and attacking you, then you need to go to another room completely. Plan on reading, watching TV, listening to the radio, playing a video game, doing some chores, or a favorite past time - anything to allow things to cool off and to get some space and distance from them.
If you have the type that follows you and won’t let it drop, accept that it will be a little more challenging for you, but that it is still possible. Your plan will require a greater distance, so just going to a different room won’t work. The first few times you will probably have to leave the area completely, by taking a walk (make sure you bring your house keys and a cell phone) or taking the car for a drive. If they follow in a different car, head for a police station or a large public place where they hopefully will fear creating a scene. If you fear they will become physical or if they have become physical in the past, then do not announce your plans to leave. You may have to trick them by going to the bathroom for a bit, and once you feel it is safe, then slip out the door. To avoid triggering their fear of abandonment, it may help to call them from your cell phone to let them know you are just taking a breather, that you will be back later and then hang up. Don't engage them on the phone. They need some time to cool off, and your very presence is triggering them even worse.
Now that I'm away, how do I deal with this feeling that I didn't do the right thing? Well, that feeling comes from breaking a conditioned response. You aren’t following their lead or allowing them to control you. Yes, there is uncertainty around this. Yes, they may become even angrier at you. That doesn’t change the it is a very important step towards taking care of YOUR needs for once. If you believe in yourself, then you will be ok. They need to accept that verbally abusing you isn't ok, that from now on you will take care of yourself by taking a time out. If done in a loving fashion each and every time they become mean, they will eventually come to accept that you won't tolerate it anymore, and they will change their behavior. If they want to be heard, which they do, then they'll learn they can't yell at you. It will become worse before it gets better, remember the old extinction burst, but it should get easier to do and reduce the hurt.
** Safety concerns **
Arrange a safety signal with a neighbor as an alert to call the police if necessary.
Prepare an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes, important papers, money, extra keys and prescription medications.
Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there, even if you have to leave in the middle of the night.
Call a local women's shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 to find out about legal options and resources available to you, before you need them.
If you have school-age children, notify the school authorities or school counselor about custody arrangements and warn them about possible threats.
Keep your communication private
US: what is an extinction burst and intermittent reinforcement
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0
US: Believe in yourself
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78298.0
Now that I'm away, how do I deal with this feeling that I didn't do the right thing? Well, that feeling comes from breaking a conditioned response. You aren’t following their lead or allowing them to control you. Yes, there is uncertainty around this. Yes, they may become even angrier at you. That doesn’t change the it is a very important step towards taking care of YOUR needs for once. If you believe in yourself, then you will be ok. They need to accept that verbally abusing you isn't ok, that from now on you will take care of yourself by taking a time out. If done in a loving fashion each and every time they become mean, they will eventually come to accept that you won't tolerate it anymore, and they will change their behavior. If they want to be heard, which they do, then they'll learn they can't yell at you. It will become worse before it gets better, remember the old extinction burst, but it should get easier to do and reduce the hurt.
** Safety concerns **
Arrange a safety signal with a neighbor as an alert to call the police if necessary.
Prepare an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes, important papers, money, extra keys and prescription medications.
Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there, even if you have to leave in the middle of the night.
Call a local women's shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 to find out about legal options and resources available to you, before you need them.
If you have school-age children, notify the school authorities or school counselor about custody arrangements and warn them about possible threats.
Keep your communication private
US: what is an extinction burst and intermittent reinforcement
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0
US: Believe in yourself
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78298.0
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