Adapted from Facing the Facts http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.msg1105451#msg1105451
We read it all the time - "take care of yourself"...
We're told all the time - "take care of yourself"...
No one ever tells us HOW
Many of us are so trapped in the FOG of emotional blackmail, that we have no idea how to even begin to "take care of ourselves".
* Our Fear prevents us from going out with friends, cause then our partners will too, and that could mean they cheat on us. Or they could put up such a stink about a few beers after work that it just isn't worth it.
* Our sense of Obligation keeps us doing things for them, since after all, they've done all these wonderful things for us!! They've sacrificed so much to be with us.
* Our sense of guilt. They don't go anywhere, so why should we? They need us to be a "partner", and partners do things "together", so why would you want to go out without them? Of course, if you ask them to go with you - they're too tired...
We give up and sacrifice and walk on eggshells....
Then along comes these people on this support group, and they keep telling me "take care of yourself" - but I don't know how to let go of the FOG. I don't know where to begin. I don't know what "taking care of myself" even looks like or feels like anymore.
We're told all the time - "take care of yourself"...
No one ever tells us HOW
Many of us are so trapped in the FOG of emotional blackmail, that we have no idea how to even begin to "take care of ourselves".
* Our Fear prevents us from going out with friends, cause then our partners will too, and that could mean they cheat on us. Or they could put up such a stink about a few beers after work that it just isn't worth it.
* Our sense of Obligation keeps us doing things for them, since after all, they've done all these wonderful things for us!! They've sacrificed so much to be with us.
* Our sense of guilt. They don't go anywhere, so why should we? They need us to be a "partner", and partners do things "together", so why would you want to go out without them? Of course, if you ask them to go with you - they're too tired...
We give up and sacrifice and walk on eggshells....
Then along comes these people on this support group, and they keep telling me "take care of yourself" - but I don't know how to let go of the FOG. I don't know where to begin. I don't know what "taking care of myself" even looks like or feels like anymore.
For me - taking care of myself has become multifaceted.
It means that I step away from any abuse. My feelings and my emotions are important. I don't deserve to be treated with disrespect or to be screamed at or belittled - by anyone. When the drama begins and I get that uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, then it's time for me to take my TIME OUT to read, go for a walk, watch TV, or take a hot shower. Anything to separate me from my partners dysregulation.
It means that I find things to do that make me happy. For me, that means curling up with a good book, watching a movie with my kids, going for a walk with my dog, coming on here for support, calling a friend. So often we sacrifice what we want to do for fear of displeasing them. We stop playing sports, we stop visiting family or friends, we stop doing our hobbies. We stop finding pleasure in things that we enjoy. We stop living our life.
It means I work on radical acceptance whenever possible. I can’t control anyone but myself, and life is worth living. It's easy to live in fear, waiting for the next shoe to drop. It's easy to miss out on the simple pleasures of life. That's not what I want. There is so much in my life that I can't control, and worrying and obsessing over it only keeps me unhappy and sad. I want to work on what I can - myself, and stop fretting the small things.
It means that I step away from any abuse. My feelings and my emotions are important. I don't deserve to be treated with disrespect or to be screamed at or belittled - by anyone. When the drama begins and I get that uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, then it's time for me to take my TIME OUT to read, go for a walk, watch TV, or take a hot shower. Anything to separate me from my partners dysregulation.
It means that I find things to do that make me happy. For me, that means curling up with a good book, watching a movie with my kids, going for a walk with my dog, coming on here for support, calling a friend. So often we sacrifice what we want to do for fear of displeasing them. We stop playing sports, we stop visiting family or friends, we stop doing our hobbies. We stop finding pleasure in things that we enjoy. We stop living our life.
It means I work on radical acceptance whenever possible. I can’t control anyone but myself, and life is worth living. It's easy to live in fear, waiting for the next shoe to drop. It's easy to miss out on the simple pleasures of life. That's not what I want. There is so much in my life that I can't control, and worrying and obsessing over it only keeps me unhappy and sad. I want to work on what I can - myself, and stop fretting the small things.
Some ideas for “taking care of yourself” …
· Restart a hobby you gave up, or one that you’ve always been interested in
· Join a sports league to reconnect with old friends or to make new ones
· Start attending the gym or health club more frequently
· Go for a facial or massage therapy more often
· Start taking more frequent walks, by yourself or with others
· Go visit family members you lost touch with
· Go visit old friends you lost touch with
The idea is to try to add something into your life that you “gave up” on, since it seemed too difficult or the pressure from your loved one was so great that it didn’t feel worth the argument. Anything we take pleasure from is worth the argument. We need those pleasures to recharge ourselves. We need the connection with others to balance us. Giving them up only hurts us in the long run.
When we start taking care of ourselves, we place ourselves first. We place value on us. We no longer fear taking a time out from abuse, since we now accept that it is the healthiest thing we can do. We believe we are worth it.
Taking care of ourselves starts with the little things and grows over time. It replenishes our self esteem. It rebuilds our self respect. It feeds our souls.
thanks
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