Just like math, there are formulas that can improve how well we communicate. They help to keep us on target and express ourselves fully. Once you learn these communication formulas, you can then figure out what your goals are and chose the right one for the right moment.
Knowing when to use them and which one to use will make them more effective.
There are 3 basic goals in communicating with others
* When we are trying to get what we want, then we have an objective – use DEARMAN
* When we are trying to keep the relationship intact - use GIVE
* When we are trying to keep our sense of self respect – use FAST
Your overall goal determines which of these skills to use, for example:
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DEARMAN is used when you have an objective , you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship.
Describe - describe the current situation as it stands, without using any judgments. Just stick to the facts.
Express - express your FEELINGS and OPINIONs about the situation. Assume that your feelings aren't obvious. Use clear language to help provide a reason, trying to stay with
"I" statements, such as "I want" or "I don't want" or "I feel". Be careful to stay away from using judgmental statements, Avoid saying things like "I need" or "you should" or "I can't". These will put your BP into defense mode and they won't hear your message.
Assert - assert yourself by ASKING for what you want, or by clearly SAYING NO to a request. Don't use insinuation. Don't assume others can read your mind. Don't beat around the bush. Be direct.
Reinforce - reinforce or reward the person ahead of time by explaining the positive consequences that will make the relationship better. If appropriate, point out the possible negative consequences of your not getting what you want. Help the person feel good ahead of time and reward them afterwards. Validate the good.
(stay) Mindful - keep your focus on YOUR OBJECTIVES. Don't allow yourself to be sidetracked by old arguments or into defending yourself. Maintain your position.
* broken record - keep repeating your message over and over and over again.
* ignore - if the other person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or diversion attempts. Don't respond to attacks. Ignore any distractions. Keep making your point.
Appear confident - appear effective and competent. Use a confident tone of voice and physical manner. Make good eye contact. Don't stutter or stammer or back track by saying "I'm not sure"...Watch your body language.
Negotiate - be willing to GIVE to GET. Offer and ask for other possible suggestions and solutions to the problem. Reduce your request, while still maintaining NO, but offer something else. Focus on what will work.
* turn the tables - if you aren't getting anywhere, ask them "what do you think we should do?" "how do you think we can solve this?" "I'm not able to say YES, and you really seem to want me to. What can we do here?"
Warning: Not following “all” the steps of DEARMAN is ineffective and argumentative. You need to go through ALL the steps. Don't leave any out.
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There are 3 basic goals in communicating with others
* When we are trying to get what we want, then we have an objective – use DEARMAN
* When we are trying to keep the relationship intact - use GIVE
* When we are trying to keep our sense of self respect – use FAST
Your overall goal determines which of these skills to use, for example:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DEARMAN is used when you have an objective , you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship.
Describe - describe the current situation as it stands, without using any judgments. Just stick to the facts.
Express - express your FEELINGS and OPINIONs about the situation. Assume that your feelings aren't obvious. Use clear language to help provide a reason, trying to stay with
"I" statements, such as "I want" or "I don't want" or "I feel". Be careful to stay away from using judgmental statements, Avoid saying things like "
Assert - assert yourself by ASKING for what you want, or by clearly SAYING NO to a request. Don't use insinuation. Don't assume others can read your mind. Don't beat around the bush. Be direct.
Reinforce - reinforce or reward the person ahead of time by explaining the positive consequences that will make the relationship better. If appropriate, point out the possible negative consequences of your not getting what you want. Help the person feel good ahead of time and reward them afterwards. Validate the good.
(stay) Mindful - keep your focus on YOUR OBJECTIVES. Don't allow yourself to be sidetracked by old arguments or into defending yourself. Maintain your position.
* broken record - keep repeating your message over and over and over again.
* ignore - if the other person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or diversion attempts. Don't respond to attacks. Ignore any distractions. Keep making your point.
Appear confident - appear effective and competent. Use a confident tone of voice and physical manner. Make good eye contact. Don't stutter or stammer or back track by saying "I'm not sure"...Watch your body language.
Negotiate - be willing to GIVE to GET. Offer and ask for other possible suggestions and solutions to the problem. Reduce your request, while still maintaining NO, but offer something else. Focus on what will work.
* turn the tables - if you aren't getting anywhere, ask them "what do you think we should do?" "how do you think we can solve this?" "I'm not able to say YES, and you really seem to want me to. What can we do here?"
Warning: Not following “all” the steps of DEARMAN is ineffective and argumentative. You need to go through ALL the steps. Don't leave any out.
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GIVE is used when you are working on keeping the relationship intact. You are sincerely working on helping make things better. This is not used to get what you want or to prove your point. In fact, those will make things worse.
(be) Gentle - Be courteous and kind in your approach.
* no attacks - verbal or physical. Express your anger directly with empathy
* no threats - don't be manipulative, no hidden threats, tolerate a "no" to requests, try to stay in the discussion even if it gets a little painful (emotionally). If it becomes abusive towards you though, then exit gracefully by taking a time out.
* no judging - no moralizing "if you were a good person, you would", no "you should" or "you shouldn't" since they are clear judgments, and NO sarcasm
(act) Interested - really LISTEN and be interested in what the other person is saying. Try to see their point of view, opinion, or possible reason for saying NO or for their request of you. Don't interrupt, talk over or be rude. Be careful of your facial expressions and body language, that it is agreeable and honest.
Valiate - validate or ACKNOWLEDGE the other persons feelings, wants, difficulties, and opinions about the situation.
(use an) Easy manner - use a little humor to lighten the mood. Wheedle while being politically correct. Use a "soft sell" over a "hard sell" technique.
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FAST is used to preserve your sense of self respect. This is your line in the sand kind of stuff. If you give in on these, you will feel awful about yourself.
(be) Fair - be fair to YOURSELF and to the OTHER person.
(no) Apologies - Don't be OVERLY apologetic. Don't apologize for being alive or for making the request at all. Don't apologize for having an opinion or for disagreeing.
Stick to your values - Stick to YOUR OWN values. Don't sell out your values or integrity for reasons that aren't important. Be clear on what you believe is the moral or valued way of thinking and acting, and "stick" to your guns.
(be) Truthful - DON'T LIE OR ACT HELPLESS when you are not. Do Not EXAGGERATE. Don't make up excuses.
(be) Fair - be fair to YOURSELF and to the OTHER person.
(no) Apologies - Don't be OVERLY apologetic. Don't apologize for being alive or for making the request at all. Don't apologize for having an opinion or for disagreeing.
Stick to your values - Stick to YOUR OWN values. Don't sell out your values or integrity for reasons that aren't important. Be clear on what you believe is the moral or valued way of thinking and acting, and "stick" to your guns.
(be) Truthful - DON'T LIE OR ACT HELPLESS when you are not. Do Not EXAGGERATE. Don't make up excuses.
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Another great tool to use that is fairly easy to get is SET.
When first learning S.E.T., it can seem that you are being asked to agree with the BP. It important to clarify that validating feelings does not mean that you agree with them, only that you recognize that the BP is feeling them. It does not mean that you are letting the BP off the hook, instead you are focusing on honest communication and ensuring that you are being heard, not just reacting to and defending against what is being said.
S= Support refers to an initial statement which indicates the loved one supports the person with borderline personality. It is a statement that begins with "I" and demonstrates concern and a desire to help. The support statement is meant to reassure the BP that the relationship is a safe one, and that her needs matter even during this difficult moment.
E= Empathy refers to communicating that the loved one understands what the BP is feeling, and focuses on "you." It is not a conveyance of pity or sympathy, but instead a true awareness and validation of the feelings of the BP: "I see you are angry, and I understand how you can get mad at me," "How frustrating this must be for you." It is important not to tell the BP how she is feeling, but instead put her demonstrated feelings into words. The goal is to convey a clear understanding of the uncomfortable feelings she is having and that they are OK.
Truth
T= Truth refers to a realistic and honest assessment of the situation and the BPs role in solving the problem. It is an objective statement that focuses on the "it" -- not on the subjective experience of the BP or Non-BP. Often the BP may seem to be asking, or demanding, something impossible, not taking an active role or responsibility in resolving the issue, or even presenting you with a "no-win" situation. The truth statement is meant to clearly and honestly respond to the difficult demand or behavior of the BP, while placing responsibility appropriately: "This is what I can do…," "This is what will happen…,"
S= Support refers to an initial statement which indicates the loved one supports the person with borderline personality. It is a statement that begins with "I" and demonstrates concern and a desire to help. The support statement is meant to reassure the BP that the relationship is a safe one, and that her needs matter even during this difficult moment.
E= Empathy refers to communicating that the loved one understands what the BP is feeling, and focuses on "you." It is not a conveyance of pity or sympathy, but instead a true awareness and validation of the feelings of the BP: "I see you are angry, and I understand how you can get mad at me," "How frustrating this must be for you." It is important not to tell the BP how she is feeling, but instead put her demonstrated feelings into words. The goal is to convey a clear understanding of the uncomfortable feelings she is having and that they are OK.
Truth
T= Truth refers to a realistic and honest assessment of the situation and the BPs role in solving the problem. It is an objective statement that focuses on the "it" -- not on the subjective experience of the BP or Non-BP. Often the BP may seem to be asking, or demanding, something impossible, not taking an active role or responsibility in resolving the issue, or even presenting you with a "no-win" situation. The truth statement is meant to clearly and honestly respond to the difficult demand or behavior of the BP, while placing responsibility appropriately: "This is what I can do…," "This is what will happen…,"
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