Skills - Are you an Enabler?

Adapted from

 http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95263.msg942663#msg942663

What is the difference between being "supportive" and being "enabling" 

Being supportive is doing something for someone else that they are unable to do for themselves. Enabling is doing things for someone else that they can and should be doing for themselves. So, why is there so much confusion between the two?

Because we confuse helping someone with doing it for them. Because we are pressured and manipulated into believing that we should do things for others. Because we fear the consequences if we don’t do things for them. Because we base our self esteem on helping othes.

When we enable people (addicts, children, friends or family) we prevent them from experiencing the consequences of their own actions. We are also preventing them from realizing they have a problem and depriving them of fully reaching their own potential.

Over time it’s easy for the enabler to become resentful and angry and not know how to break the cycle of “helping others”.  Also, the “help” provided to those lacking the motivation and determination to stand on their own two feet can become a long-term expectation and even an outright demand.

What does support look like?

What does enabling look like?

Newdawn – Facing the Facts member

Support: 
If you are married and your spouse develops a problem with alcoholism, you support them in seeking treatment, setting clear boundaries around what you will and won't tolerate, and do what you can to help them to get healthy; and do what you can to maintain your health, too, including, sometimes, what may feel like tough love if you feel it's necessary for your own health or the health of your children and home life.  That also means letting the person experience the consequence of their decisions/actions/addictions.  This person would say they are supporting the person because they love them, even though it's hard.  You stay as healthy as possible, the family stays as healthy as possible, the person with the alcohol problem has a choice to get healthy or not.

Enabling:
If you were married and your spouse developed a problem with alcoholism, you would call his work for him on the mornings he was too drunk to go in explaining that he has the flu again, if he was verbally or emotionally abusive when drunk, you would hide the results from family/friends or make excuses for him, and rationalize it to yourself, you would go to great lengths to maintain an air of normalcy and work overtime to help compensate for a partner who is unable to contribute their part, and you would do so becasue you love them and care about them...but you would be building up a huge reserve of self-rightious resentment and bitterness, too.  Both of you get sicker, and the family gets sicker.

Auspicious – Facing the Facts member

Support:

 "Yeah, it does suck not having money to do fun things.  I wish we had some more options too.  Maybe we can figure out a few fun things that don't cost much."

Enabling:

 "OK, we'll ask for a credit line increase so we can charge some fun stuff."

Up from here – Facing the Facts member

Support
Okay, since you now want a joint account while I have worked to build a savings and you previously did not want one and you're having difficulty staying employed, we can go and open up a joint account.  You save "X" amount and I will contribute double that amount so that we can build a balance together.

Enabling
Okay now that you have lost another job you want access to my cash whereas before you lost your job you wanted nothing to do with opening a joint account.  Okay I'll give you legal access to half of everything I have saved and earned to keep you happy with me.

(I did the first one.  She didn't like that idea...)

Christy2 – Facing the Facts member

Good question - one I still struggle with, especially since I come from a FOO where rescuing people is held is such high regard.  But, I'll give it a stab....

Support:

Helping, along with others, to carry the dirt away while they dig themselves out of the hole.

Enabling:

Trying to dig them out of the hole yourself.