Wednesday, May 5, 2010
How to respond to the silent treatment
The silent treatment works for them, since they "feel" justified in ignoring you and they believe it bothers you. When you take that control out of their hands and refuse to allow their behavior to spoil your happiness/plans/holidays/whatever, then you are regaining the ability to control your own emotions. They can see that you are living a happy life, continuing on with your normal activities, no longer chasing after them begging them to talk to you, cajoling them to join you in activities....and THAT is what causes them to rethink their strategy of punishing you. As long as they believe their punishment is working, they will continue to punish you....
Does that clear it up?
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.msg1168895#msg1168895
Does that clear it up?
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.msg1168895#msg1168895
A Response to - What is the difference between an emotional and physical affair?
To me, an emotional affair is closer than a friendship. There also has to be some level of attraction/fascination for it to qualify, but that doesn't mean that all your attractions will become emotional affairs.
Yes, it is hard to qualify, since it deals with emotions that occur inside someone else, which we can't control. Yet the very actions that happen when an emotional affairs occurs are withdrawing, withholding, and secrecy.
To me, an emotional affair takes away or deprives us of something. Time together. Focused attention. It reduces the loving gestures we used to get. It leaves us feeling "less than (important, loved, cared for, secure)" in some way, due to the changes in behavior.
Yes, the secrecy is a huge part of it, since the person hides what they are saying, writing, and doing with the other. Yet we often sense our partners pulling back and away from us, we just didn't trust our instincts (or trusted them too much). When we asked (if we had the courage to ask), we were told to "not worry. To not be so paranoid. That nothing was going on. They are just friends". So we allow ourselves to be soothed and pacified by these reassurances, while we receive less and less of what we crave - closeness and attention from our loved one. The other person seems to get the laughter and joy from our partner, while we get the criticism, complaints, pouting, and unhappy moments.
If there is a real possibility that our partners could/would fall in love with this person, then they are a threat to the relationship. This is especially true, if the other person is single and in need of rescuing, since that brings out the white knight/savior routine, increasing the intensity and ego of our spouses as they engage further and further with this other person.
If it is just a friend, then there is no worry about them replacing us. If there is a worry or possibility of that happening, then we need to become directly involved. If the relationship is innocent, then they should feel free to talk in front of us, share with us the funny text and jokes they trade, have us join them on their little lunches together, go with them on shopping trips, and show us the cute emails and letters they exchange. If our partners aren't willing to do this.... where there is smoke - there is often a fire....
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118667.msg1168943#msg1168943
Yes, it is hard to qualify, since it deals with emotions that occur inside someone else, which we can't control. Yet the very actions that happen when an emotional affairs occurs are withdrawing, withholding, and secrecy.
To me, an emotional affair takes away or deprives us of something. Time together. Focused attention. It reduces the loving gestures we used to get. It leaves us feeling "less than (important, loved, cared for, secure)" in some way, due to the changes in behavior.
Yes, the secrecy is a huge part of it, since the person hides what they are saying, writing, and doing with the other. Yet we often sense our partners pulling back and away from us, we just didn't trust our instincts (or trusted them too much). When we asked (if we had the courage to ask), we were told to "not worry. To not be so paranoid. That nothing was going on. They are just friends". So we allow ourselves to be soothed and pacified by these reassurances, while we receive less and less of what we crave - closeness and attention from our loved one. The other person seems to get the laughter and joy from our partner, while we get the criticism, complaints, pouting, and unhappy moments.
If there is a real possibility that our partners could/would fall in love with this person, then they are a threat to the relationship. This is especially true, if the other person is single and in need of rescuing, since that brings out the white knight/savior routine, increasing the intensity and ego of our spouses as they engage further and further with this other person.
If it is just a friend, then there is no worry about them replacing us. If there is a worry or possibility of that happening, then we need to become directly involved. If the relationship is innocent, then they should feel free to talk in front of us, share with us the funny text and jokes they trade, have us join them on their little lunches together, go with them on shopping trips, and show us the cute emails and letters they exchange. If our partners aren't willing to do this.... where there is smoke - there is often a fire....
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118667.msg1168943#msg1168943
A respnose to - daughter has new love interest
It isn't easy to let go and watch them struggle. Our instincts are to save and to shelter. If you are having a hard time with his, then this is an area that you need to work on. They need our support, not our insecurities.
I triy to use radical acceptance at times like this. I remind myself that I can't to want it more than they do. Cause if that's the case, then they will fail anyways. They really have to want it. If I believe that they don't want it, that is my clue to back off and let go. The decision is theirs, as well as the consequences. We are just spectators. Does that make sense?
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118651.msg1169206#msg1169206
I triy to use radical acceptance at times like this. I remind myself that I can't to want it more than they do. Cause if that's the case, then they will fail anyways. They really have to want it. If I believe that they don't want it, that is my clue to back off and let go. The decision is theirs, as well as the consequences. We are just spectators. Does that make sense?
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118651.msg1169206#msg1169206
Practicing mindfulness
Practicing mindfulness doesn't have to be a huge production or take time out of your busy day.
Here's one way that I try to do it...
When I take a shower, I try to keep my attention and focus on what it feels like. How the water feels hitting my skin. How the heat soothes my sore muscles. How the scent of my soap smells as I use it. How the wash cloth feels against my skin as it moves across the various body parts. I watch the bubbles as they form and slide around on my skin. I pay attention to the water as it trickles down the side of the shower curtain and walls. Sometimes I just stand perfectly still, with my head down and observe how the water comes off my hair in streams and rivers...
Basically, I enjoy the experience of taking a shower.
My mind is clear of what I'm making for dinner, the many chores I'm forgetting, the plans I need to complete.... My mind is on the moment
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118722.msg1169533#msg1169533
Here's one way that I try to do it...
When I take a shower, I try to keep my attention and focus on what it feels like. How the water feels hitting my skin. How the heat soothes my sore muscles. How the scent of my soap smells as I use it. How the wash cloth feels against my skin as it moves across the various body parts. I watch the bubbles as they form and slide around on my skin. I pay attention to the water as it trickles down the side of the shower curtain and walls. Sometimes I just stand perfectly still, with my head down and observe how the water comes off my hair in streams and rivers...
Basically, I enjoy the experience of taking a shower.
My mind is clear of what I'm making for dinner, the many chores I'm forgetting, the plans I need to complete.... My mind is on the moment
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118722.msg1169533#msg1169533
The endless arguments – how to stop them
We've all been in them - those horrible arguments discussions. You know, the ones that make you want to
They go round and round and round.
Your SO doesn't even make sense half the time.
You're not even sure what you are arguing about
They can go on for hours and hours.
No one ever wins them.
Both people get hurt by them.
You want to pull your hair out
Why do they happen?
Cause our partners are mentally ill and have difficulty expressing themselves in clear enough fashion for us to understand.
Cause our partners are mentally ill and feelings = facts to them.
Cause our partners are mentally ill and they need to control what they can - us.
Cause our partners are mentally ill and can't stand to lose.
Cause we like to "be right" too.
Cause we can't let it go either.
Cause we need to prove our point.
Cause we are too afraid to walk away from the argument.
Cause we want to hurt them back.
Cause we feel trapped - either literally or emotionally.
Cause we hope that we can change their minds.
Cause we hope that we can get them to understand.
Cause we are co-dependent and need to "fix" them and their flawed way of thinking.
How do we stop them?
By taking control of the only thing you can - yourself.
That means that you recognize what is happening - a pointless argument that is going badly and that needs to end - then finding the courage/strength/attitude to take action and take a TIME OUT .
~ You don't wait to win or lose. It's not a competition.
~ You don't worry about how they will respond. This is about protecting yourself - not them.
~ You don't hope that it will end soon. You are not a helpless victim.
~ You don't fear their anger. You have a right to protect yourself from harm.
Write this on something and read it 10 times a day till you firmly get it.
* Don't argue
* Don't defend
* Don't justify
* Don't explain
* Don't counter attack
* Take care of yourself and take a time out.
Do you feel strong enough to stop the argument?
What do you fear if you don't?
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.msg1171097#msg1171097
They go round and round and round.
Your SO doesn't even make sense half the time.
You're not even sure what you are arguing about
They can go on for hours and hours.
No one ever wins them.
Both people get hurt by them.
You want to pull your hair out
Why do they happen?
Cause our partners are mentally ill and have difficulty expressing themselves in clear enough fashion for us to understand.
Cause our partners are mentally ill and feelings = facts to them.
Cause our partners are mentally ill and they need to control what they can - us.
Cause our partners are mentally ill and can't stand to lose.
Cause we like to "be right" too.
Cause we can't let it go either.
Cause we need to prove our point.
Cause we are too afraid to walk away from the argument.
Cause we want to hurt them back.
Cause we feel trapped - either literally or emotionally.
Cause we hope that we can change their minds.
Cause we hope that we can get them to understand.
Cause we are co-dependent and need to "fix" them and their flawed way of thinking.
How do we stop them?
By taking control of the only thing you can - yourself.
That means that you recognize what is happening - a pointless argument that is going badly and that needs to end - then finding the courage/strength/attitude to take action and take a TIME OUT .
~ You don't wait to win or lose. It's not a competition.
~ You don't worry about how they will respond. This is about protecting yourself - not them.
~ You don't hope that it will end soon. You are not a helpless victim.
~ You don't fear their anger. You have a right to protect yourself from harm.
Write this on something and read it 10 times a day till you firmly get it.
* Don't argue
* Don't defend
* Don't justify
* Don't explain
* Don't counter attack
* Take care of yourself and take a time out.
Do you feel strong enough to stop the argument?
What do you fear if you don't?
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.msg1171097#msg1171097
A Response to - Is he being selfish and cruel? Learning to take care of yourself
Dear, your bf is mentally ill.
He will interpret many things that you do incorrectly.
That doesn't mean that his version is right though.
As the mentally healthier person, we have to be able to look beyond what he says and see the whole picture.
His needs are to abuse you when he is upset.
His needs are to verbally bash you when he feels down.
His needs are to bind you to him when he is lonely or afraid.
His needs are to control what you do/ who you see/ how you do things so that he can feel more in control.
His needs are abusive and unhealthy.
His needs are selfish and childish.
His needs don't consider YOUR needs in any shape or fashion...
Right now, things are unhealthy and hurtful to you, since you are loving him more than you are loving yourself.
When we love ourselves, we don't allow others to abuse us
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118878.msg1171193#msg1171193
He will interpret many things that you do incorrectly.
That doesn't mean that his version is right though.
As the mentally healthier person, we have to be able to look beyond what he says and see the whole picture.
His needs are to abuse you when he is upset.
His needs are to verbally bash you when he feels down.
His needs are to bind you to him when he is lonely or afraid.
His needs are to control what you do/ who you see/ how you do things so that he can feel more in control.
His needs are abusive and unhealthy.
His needs are selfish and childish.
His needs don't consider YOUR needs in any shape or fashion...
Right now, things are unhealthy and hurtful to you, since you are loving him more than you are loving yourself.
When we love ourselves, we don't allow others to abuse us
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118878.msg1171193#msg1171193
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