A Response to - What is the difference between an emotional and physical affair?

To me, an emotional affair is closer than a friendship. There also has to be some level of attraction/fascination for it to qualify, but that doesn't mean that all your attractions will become emotional affairs.

Yes, it is hard to qualify, since it deals with emotions that occur inside someone else, which we can't control. Yet the very actions that happen when an emotional affairs occurs are withdrawing, withholding, and secrecy.

To me, an emotional affair takes away or deprives us of something. Time together. Focused attention. It reduces the loving gestures we used to get. It leaves us feeling "less than (important, loved, cared for, secure)" in some way, due to the changes in behavior.

Yes, the secrecy is a huge part of it, since the person hides what they are saying, writing, and doing with the other. Yet we often sense our partners pulling back and away from us, we just didn't trust our instincts (or trusted them too much). When we asked (if we had the courage to ask), we were told to "not worry. To not be so paranoid. That nothing was going on. They are just friends". So we allow ourselves to be soothed and pacified by these reassurances, while we receive less and less of what we crave - closeness and attention from our loved one. The other person seems to get the laughter and joy from our partner, while we get the criticism, complaints, pouting, and unhappy moments.

If there is a real possibility that our partners could/would fall in love with this person, then they are a threat to the relationship. This is especially true, if the other person is single and in need of rescuing, since that brings out the white knight/savior routine, increasing the intensity and ego of our spouses as they engage further and further with this other person.

If it is just a friend, then there is no worry about them replacing us. If there is a worry or possibility of that happening, then we need to become directly involved. If the relationship is innocent, then they should feel free to talk in front of us, share with us the funny text and jokes they trade, have us join them on their little lunches together, go with them on shopping trips, and show us the cute emails and letters they exchange. If our partners aren't willing to do this.... where there is smoke - there is often a fire....

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