Validation samples

This is where VALIDATION comes in.

you = "sorry I'm late honey. Traffic was a nightmare"
her = "you don't really mean that. That was a lame apology. Why can't you say it and really mean it?"
you = "I do mean it! I'm really sorry. I couldn't help it! Traffic just wouldn't go any faster!"
her = "Liar!... blah, blah, blah,".... argument becomes nasty and circular

If this is how a typical conversation goes, the error occurred right here:
you = "I do mean it! I'm really sorry. I couldn't help it! Traffic just wouldn't go any faster!"
This is you trying to explain with facts and reasons why you were late. This is you Invalidating your partner's expressed feelings and emotions. She doesn't really care about the facts - this is purely about her feelings. Trying to combat feelings with facts is like going to a gun fight with a knife - BANG! - you lose.

First of all - don't make things worse, and JADE will help you remember.
Don't justify
Don't accuse
Don't defend
Don't explain

Then, pick the right tool for the job. In this case - VALIDATION

you = "sorry I'm late honey. Traffic was a nightmare"
her = "you don't really mean that. That was a lame apology. Why can't you say it and really mean it?"
you = "what makes you believe I don't mean it?" Tone is critical here, no sarcasm or impatience
her = "cause if you meant it, you would have called me to let me know you were going to be late"
you = " so you were worried?"
her = "you were late and I didn't know where you were or if you were OK"
you = "I can see how my not calling you would upset you. I guess I need to get better at letting you know if I'm held up in traffic so that you don't worry"

by not defending yourself right away, and asking a question, you got more info out of her, so that you could respond to her emotions and feelings, which by the way, were worry, not anger. When we jump to defend ourselves, we aren't really listening....we make things worse... and we create more distance and hurt for both of us.

Tone is critical though. You really have to want to know what's bugging them.

~~warning~~

If your attempts to validate aren't working, then it is time to shift gears and take your
TIME OUT instead... we never validate abuse, so if they go instantly to verbally bashing you and are nasty and critical - don't validate that - take care of yourself and walk away....


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