How to stay on the path when a loved one has Borderline Personality Disorder

Life is a journey. Sometimes we have a specific destination in mind - sometimes we are just enjoying the passing scenery. When we are trying to get somewhere, it’s important to maintain our focus on what our objectives are. This can become difficult if the person traveling with us has Borderline Personality Disorder.  Due to their extreme defense mechanisms and twisted thought processes, they tend to wander off the path quite frequently.  Their internal struggles create confusion inside them, and in an instant they veer off the path into dangerous and hurtful territory. Due to our compassion and love for them (a core feature of our nature), we feel compelled to chase after them in an effort to guide them back to the path. Through this chase, we wind up changing our purpose from moving forward in a healthy fashion, to becoming lost and stuck in defending and justifying ourselves instead. Sadly, this tends to ensure that we both wind up lost in the wilderness, sometimes never finding our way back to the path we started from. Allowing them to lure us off our chosen path leads to anxiety, abuse, and dysfunction, and rarely solves the issues we are facing.

Breaking this pattern isn’t easy, yet it is the first step in developing a healthier relationship.  Taking care of ourselves requires what feels like a selfish focus. Our loved ones aren’t mentally fit to be leading us around. As the mentally healthy ones, it’s important  that we remember our goals.  Prior experience has shown us that our efforts to bring them back to the path are rarely successful anyways, and often end up making things worse. 

When the pwBPD wanders off the path - here is how to change the pattern - don’t chase after them. Stop for a moment and take a deep breath. Shut out the noise they are making to lure you further away from the path. Close your eyes and try to bring up your destination and goals. Once you’ve stopped your racing thoughts you are blocking the pressure they are putting on you, so you can evaluate things more clearly. Then ask yourself if following them into the wilderness has any chance of success. Evaluate if what they are saying is logical or if it has any bearing on your current journey. Is it a distraction and delay tactic? Does it need to be handled right now or can the issue wait to be resolved later? It’s not easy to block out their distraction and pleas for your attention, yet it is only with that critical pause that you can really notice how you are moving in the wrong direction, away from your goals.

When they don’t get the expected response from you, they will realize that they are traveling by themselves, which will initially confuse them, since up till now we’ve always joined them.  To maintain their own equilibrium and to feel like they are still in control, often they will call out to you from the wilderness, trying to lure you into joining them. If you don’t respond to their baiting you, they will change tactics and use anger as a way to scare you into joining them in the wilderness. Faced with your apparent determination to stay on the path, this is where some Borderline Personality Sufferers will start to behave in ways that are evil and mean as they work to sabotage your goals and your determination in whatever fashion they can; threats, violence, destruction, intimidation, name calling, belittling, promises of withholding necessary things, retaliation, or any other painful thing they can think of to get you to join them in the wilderness. This is what we call the classic extinction burst. Things get worse before they get better.

At this point, each of you have different  objectives. Their goal is to sidetrack you into joining them in dysregulation. Yours needs to be to stay focused on what your goals are, no matter how tempted you are to join them. 

Remember - the first time you do this, your loved one probably won’t join you, no matter how long you wait or how patient you are. They will be determined to stay in the wilderness and wander, just to hurt and punish you. That is OK, as long as you expect it and are prepared for it.  Try to keep in mind while they won’t like being alone, that it is a necessary thing for them to experience. It is what will bring on the opportunity for change. 

We each have a journey here. We can no longer allow them to lead us astray. In time, if we stay committed to our goals, their journeys into the wilderness will be shorter and less frequent, as they adjust to the fact that we are staying on the path. We won’t be subjecting ourselves to as much pain, since we won’t be lost in the wilderness either. All of this is possible, “if” we make the commitment to stay true to our goals. If we understand that stepping off the path is unhealthy and makes things worse, not better. 

united for now

Skills - Planning for Boundaries

Adapted from http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=93309.msg925821#msg925821

Courtesy of Randi Kreger. Author of "Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder"

Yes, most members say "I tried to set a boundary. They wouldn't listen to me".... which means it wasn't a boundary, it was a request.

A few years ago, I asked people if setting boundaries worked for them. Most people said no. The comments they made were similar to this: 


“I told him he didn’t understand my perspective; he told me I didn’t understand his. It went in circles endlessly. He accused me of being controlling and telling him what to do. He weaved magical webs with his words and made me feel guilty.”

At that point, I realized that there needs to be a major educational shift to help people understand what setting boundaries is about, and what it isn’t. People think they’re about making people act in certain ways, and if they can’t convince that person to change, they’ve “failed.”


This is incorrect. Boundaries are about each person taking responsibility for their own behavior. Your boundaries are about you, not the other person. Setting boundaries is a process that begins right now as you start to think about them. It keeps on going because you will always need to pay attention to make sure you don’t let your boundaries slide. 

Why are boundaries so important in the first place?

If you don’t think they’re important, you probably won’t make it through the process or you will let the limits slide, undoing everything you’ve done and actually making things worse due to the intermittent reinforcement process. 

• Limits protect you from being or feeling controlled, manipulated, ‘fixed,’ misunderstood, abused, discounted, demeaned, or wrongly judged.
• When you don’t have limits, you’re going to become overwhelmed with your BP’s needs and demands.
• Without limits, chosen relationships become very unhappy and unsafe with little emotional closeness. There is little mutual respect or trust.
• Relationships without limits are more likely to end. This is one reason why limits are vital to you BP. In other words, as much as BPs dislike limits, without them they may not only fear abandonment, but experience it.

Boundaries aren’t requests, in that boundaries don’t “ask” others to do or not do something. In fact, they aren’t really about the other person at all. Boundaries are about what we will or won’t put up with in our lives. It’s about keeping the bad stuff away from us.

Learning to set boundaries is a process…

One thing we all struggle with is meaning what we say and setting boundaries with confidence. Setting boundaries is difficult for a number of reasons. 


First, we have let them slide. In her book, “The Emotionally Abusive Relationship,” Engel writes, “Most of us begin a relationship thinking we have certain limits as to what we will and will not tolerate from a partner. But as the relationship progresses, we tend to move our boundaries back, tolerating more and more intrusion or going along with things we are really opposed to. . . . [Individuals] begin tolerating unacceptable and even abusive behavior, and then convince themselves that these behaviors are normal, acceptable, [and deserved].  


So how do you go back? Long before you say one word, you plan. This plan will act as your road map and safety net. Each of the following five “Cs” is a component of the plan:

• •   Clarify.
• •   Calculate costs.
• •   Come up with consequences.
• •   Create a consensus.
• •   Consider possible outcomes.

LIMITS PROPERTY #1: YOUR LIMITS ARE UNIQUE TO YOU.



Obviously, different people reasoned in different ways, and came up with different answers. That’s because not only do you all have different incomes and homes, you have different values and beliefs. Your limits emerge from a variety of factors unique to you. You own them just like you own your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs.

While this may seem obvious, it’s not. Most people believe that there is one standard that should apply to everyone and most arguments are about divining what that standard is. People talk about this a lot in most forums: someone gives a situation and suggests a limit, then looks to other people to confirm if they’re “right.” 


It is as if there is a goddess of the Temple of Truth, who has the special ability to divine who is “right” and who is “wrong.”  While some things at either end of the spectrum make no sense—eg you can’t buy any gnomes or you have to spend everything on them--there is no Temple of Truth, no anointed standard bearer. 

THIS MEANS THAT if your family member says that your limits are wrong or unreasonable, he or she is speaking about what is right and true for him or her, not you. You are your own Temple of Truth. You live and deal with the difficulty every day, be it dirty gnomes or dirty dishes. Your limits are your own. And your very first limit is that you have the inalienable right to set limits.

LIMITS PROPERTY #2 LIMITS ARE UNSELFISH


Your limits are for you and about you, not against others. They are about respect: respect for yourself, respect for others, and respect for the relationship. 



Think about the process you went through to come up with your limits in the gnome home exercise. 

• •   Did you develop them based on what one person wanted, or did you try to balance everyone’s needs and desires?
• •   Was your intention to hurt, punish, or control or to develop a plan that made the most sense based on all the competing factors?

Most non-BPs err on the side of trying to take care of everyone but themselves. It never occurs to them that they can say “no” or that their wants and needs are just as significant as those of everyone else. 

People with BPD sometimes see other people’s limits as a personal affront, something designed to punish or control them. That’s because they feel punished and controlled, and for them, feelings equal facts. Naturally, you’ll have discussions and try to come up with solutions that benefit everyone. But compromise because you want to, not because your feelings are “wrong” or unimportant.

I don’t think it matters if you actually DO the gnome exercise—once you watch others do it, you get the point. 

We haven’t started covering this yet, but you’ve touched on something crucial: “Boundaries need to stay in place forever to take care of me,” and “I also now see how I contributed to the escalation of many situations.” (Don’t get on your own case about that, though, because without proper education and planning, non-BPs generally don’t understand that part of limit setting: 

**Once you set the limit, it no longer matters very much what you say: what you COMMUNICATE is how you act.***

That’s why the planning process includes the “C” CONSEQUENCES. Before you set the limit, you already KNOW what you will do when the limit is ignored—which it WILL BE. That is part of the “extinction process,” which I will explain in a minute (I’m going to jump ahead of myself and address your comments about this). 



That doesn’t mean the limit has failed, just that you’re not in the phase of teaching people what you will and will not accept in your life.

Skills - Validation, How to Communicate in a positive way

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81610.msg807685#msg807685

Painful feelings that are expressed, acknowledged and validated by a trusted listener will diminish.

Painful feelings that are ignored will gain strength.

(from http://eqi.org/valid.htm)

We have all sat through a major rant by our loved one, where they seemed to dump  everything onto our laps. We are blamed as the source of all their anger, pain, frustration, anxiety, and heartbreak. Often times we try to defend ourselves by explaining our point of view, which in reality invalidates the BPD as a person , making the situation worse. Arguments and explanations, which we do naturally when being falsely or unfairly accused, escalates the argument causing more problems. That is why we say:

·       Don't defend

·       Don't explain

·       Don't attempt to justify

·       Don't counter attack

Here is a link defining and explaining the trouble with invalidation (http://www.bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81486.0


So what are we to do then, to manage the situation?
Just sit there and take it on the chin?
No, you can try to Validate the other persons feelings, that's what.

Validation is NOT placating, agreeing with somebody when you really think they are wrong, "walking on eggshells", or enabling somebody. It can be used not just with your bpd loved one, but friends, family members, coworkers, customers and clients!  

But what exactly are we validating?

·       You are validating that you understand them.

·       That you accept they have a right to their feelings. Even if you don't agree with them.

·       That it is a reasonable possibility, and that others would feel the same way.

·       That you have empathy for them (a true connection with what they are going through).

·       That there is a kernel of truth to what they are expressing.

·       That they have a legitimate right to feel as they do.

Validation is not just blind agreement. It is also not just repeating what they say. Validation goes to the heart of the persons

·       emotions

·       wants and desires

·       beliefs and opinions

·       actions

·       suffering

Validation creates a bond between two people, where the person speaking feels really listened to and heard. It increases acceptance and decreases conflict.

Especially important, it builds trust and intimacy, and establishes you as a safe and respectful person.

Practice on someone safe, or during a quieter time, when you are able to focus and don't feel like you are on the defense. Try to:

·       Acknowledge the other person's feelings

·       Identify the feelings - sad, frustrated, blocked, unheard, lonely, depressed

·       Offer to listen (see EQ-Based Listening)

·       Help them label the feelings

·       Be there for them; remaining present physically and emotionally - don't multi task or plan what your response

·       Feel patient - allow them to express themselves fully

·       Feel accepting and non-judgmental - don't label them as bad or wrong or crazy

Validation video
Here is an excellent chance to learn validation from a renowned specialist in the field of BPD and DBT. It's like having your own private validation lesson and includes a power point slide along with the video of the lecture. The first video is 51 min, so get comfortable and open your mind and your heart to the power of validation.
Dr. Alan Fruzzetti is the author of "High Conflict Couples" and works closely with Dr Marsha Linehan and the NEA BPD. This video (and many others) can be found at NEA BPD.


~~ Link for the  validation video: Is found on NEA for BPD's "video page". This link places you on the "video/audio" page - scroll down to the subsection "Consumers and Family" and select
"Understanding Validation in Families" by Alan Fruzzetti   51min 53 sec
http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/videos-by-topic.shtml

~~ Audio for the Alan Fruzzetti validation:
http://web4.streamhoster.com/video4nea/Validation_AEF.mp3

Skills - Radical Acceptance

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.msg610979#msg610979

Radical Acceptance and a Borderline Spouse

Living with someone who suffers from borderline personality disorder is extremely difficult, as we all know first hand. We are all familiar with the verbal attacks, emotional blackmail, manipulation, hurtful criticism, threats, and the silent treatment. Being woken up in the middle of the night, listening to rage, having intimacy withheld from us... the list could go on and on... yet many of us (unless we have children or parents with bpd) have chosen to get into the situation and stay in the situation in which we are living with or dealing with someone with bpd. .

The reason is different for each of us, but in the end, our goal is to make things better.  How do we go about doing that when so much of the problem seems to be out of our control?  How do we handle something that is so difficult to understand as borderline personality disorder?

One way is to stop fighting things and defending yourself; to learn to let go and accept what is:  Radical acceptance.

When faced with a painful situation, you really have only 4 options:

·       Solve the problem.

·       Change how you feel about the problem.

·       Accept it.

·       Stay miserable; continue to be a victim.

Everyone feels pain. It is part of life to experience painful moments. We grow and learn from the pain we endure. Many times we fight against it and say to ourselves "this isn't fair".  Yeah, it may not be, but by fighting against it, you aren't working through it. The very fact that you are judging it as "not right" or "unfair" means that you aren't accepting it. Yeah, it hurts. Yeah, it isn't your fault. Yeah, things can be better. Accepting the reality allows the pain to go away. Dwelling on the unfairness only keeps you stuck in your misery.

Pain + non acceptance = suffering.

Reality is what it is

Everything has a cause

Life can be worth living - even when there is pain in it.

If you accept your life "as it is" then you can let go of the bitterness and the anger and the "why me" stuff, you can begin to focus on things that you can change, and to let go of the things that you can't.

People say "I can't stand it!"   

What is "it" that you can’t stand? How do we define “it”.

The problem isn't the experience, but our interpretation of the experience.

It's how we see "it" and judge "it" that influences how we feel about "it". The glass can be half empty or it can be half full. We determine that. The glass just is what it is... a glass.

This isn't easy.

You will need to do this many many times during the day.

Change never comes easy - but - nothing changes without changes....

Skills - Invalidation, what you say wrong that makes things worse

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.msg805684#msg805684

Are you making things worse?

our responses to them
"I never did that!"
"That is so wrong!"
"Why can't you just let it go?"
"why do you always have to do this?"
"But I always do it that way"
"This is what actually happened"
"NO, you've got it wrong!"
"Why won’t you listen to me?"
"That’s not what I meant"
"That’s not what happened"

Many times, when we are communicating with our loved ones, the words we use to explain ourselves or to justify ourselves, or to prove our point, come across as challenging and defiant to them. How often have you been in a conversation where the more you tried to explain something, the less the other person seemed to hear you and the angrier they got?
That's because your words were essentially telling the other person they're wrong and you're right. You may very well be right, but when dealing with a person who is extremely sensitive and easily dysregulated, then your words are like waving a red cape in front of a bull.

When they are telling us how they feel or how they understand something, and we argue with them, we are telling them their feelings and beliefs are wrong. Our disagreement triggers them into the shame-blame spiral and we end up with a huge fight on our hands - for what?

Feelings and emotions can never be wrong. They are based on our beliefs and our interpretations of things, and telling someone that you don't agree with what they are saying means essentially that their feelings are wrong. How can a feeling be wrong?

Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature and may be called a crime against nature, "psychological murder", or "soul murder." Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile. A good guideline is:

First accept the feelings, then address the behavior.
If you fight to be right - you lose.


We need to accept that our loved ones (or others in our life with bpd) don’t think the same way we do, and that while many of the arguments seem to come from nowhere, or make little sense, we are  the ones who end up making things worse than they need to be if we use an invalidating response. The more we try to explain and defend ourselves, the worse things actually become.  We throw fuel on the fire by invalidating their opinions, beliefs, statements, ideas, suggestions, or emotions.

Explanations and defenses = more anger

Someone who suffers from BPD and a non are living in two different worlds.  When the person with bpd is triggered, they are pure emotions and primitive defenses.  There is no logic to what they are feeling, which is why they have trouble articulating and expressing themselves, since they don’t know why or where the feelings are coming from.  We, on the other hand, try to approach the situation from a logical standpoint.  That if we can just find the right words or phrases, that it will suddenly make sense to the other person and the argument will end.  We might as well be speaking Polish to them though, since they are in an emotional state and we are defending with logic.  See the problem here? Our own defenses make things worse, since we use terms and defenses that invalidate how the other person feels. 

They are emotional - we are logical. Two different attempts to communicate.

So, we need to find a way to stop things from getting worse, by recognizing what we are doing wrong first.

Before we can validate, we must stop invalidating.

Words and phrases that are invalidating to others (not just those with bpd):

*ordering them to feel differently- "get over it. be happy."

*ordering them to look differently- "don't look so sad."

*denying their perception or defending - "that's not what I meant"

*making them feel guilty- "I tried to help you"

*trying to isolate them- "you are the only one who feels that way"

*minimizing their feeling- "you must be kidding"

*using reason- "you are not being rational"

*debating- "I don't always do that"

*judging and labeling them- "you're too sensitive"

*turning things around- "you're making a big deal out of nothing"

*trying to get them to question themselves- "why can't you just get over it?"

*telling them how they should feel- "you should be happy"

*defending the other person- "she didn't mean it that way"

*negating, denial, and confusion- "now you know that isn't true"

*sarcasm and mocking- "you poor baby"

*laying guilt trips- "don't you ever think of anyone else?"

*philosophizing and cliches- "time heals all wounds"

*talking about them when they can hear it- "you can't say anything to her"

*showing intolerance- "I am sick of hearing about it"

*trying to control how long someone feels about something- "you should be over that by now"

*explanation- "maybe it's because _______ "

Why do we do this?  To build character - to make them stronger and more self sufficient (that's what we tell ourselves). But BPD's are more sensitive, highly reactive, and slower to return to normal than others. That is a fact we need to understand and appreciate, by adjusting the way we respond and communicate with them.

Actually, go through each of those invalidating statements/responses and think about how it feels/how it felt when someone (not necessarily the disordered person in your life)  used those statements on you!!

Skills - How to Take Care of Yourself

Adapted from Facing the Facts http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.msg1105451#msg1105451

We read it all the time - "take care of yourself"...

We're told all the time - "take care of yourself"...

No one ever tells us HOW  

Many of us are so trapped in the FOG of emotional blackmail, that we have no idea how to even begin to "take care of ourselves".

* Our Fear prevents us from going out with friends, cause then our partners will too, and that could mean they cheat on us. Or they could put up such a stink about a few beers after work that it just isn't worth it.

* Our sense of Obligation keeps us doing things for them, since after all, they've done all these wonderful things for us!! They've sacrificed so much to be with us.

* Our sense of guilt. They don't go anywhere, so why should we? They need us to be a "partner", and partners do things "together", so why would you want to go out without them? Of course, if you ask them to go with you - they're too tired...

We give up and sacrifice and walk on eggshells....

Then along comes these people on this support group, and they keep telling me "take care of yourself" - but I don't know how to let go of the FOG. I don't know where to begin. I don't know what "taking care of myself" even looks like or feels like anymore.

For me - taking care of myself has become multifaceted.

It means that I step away from any abuse. My feelings and my emotions are important. I don't deserve to be treated with disrespect or to be screamed at or belittled - by anyone. When the drama begins and I get that uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, then it's time for me to take my TIME OUT to read, go for a walk, watch TV, or take a hot shower. Anything to separate me from my partners dysregulation.

It means that I find things to do that make me happy.  For me, that means curling up with a good book, watching a movie with my kids, going for a walk with my dog, coming on here for support, calling a friend. So often we sacrifice what we want to do for fear of displeasing them. We stop playing sports, we stop visiting family or friends, we stop doing our hobbies.  We stop finding pleasure in things that we enjoy. We stop living our life.

It means I work on radical acceptance whenever possible.   I can’t control anyone but myself, and life is worth living. It's easy to live in fear, waiting for the next shoe to drop. It's easy to miss out on the simple pleasures of life. That's not what I want. There is so much in my life that I can't control, and worrying and obsessing over it only keeps me unhappy and sad. I want to work on what I can - myself, and stop fretting the small things.

Some ideas for  “taking care of yourself” …

·       Restart a hobby you gave up, or one that you’ve always been interested in

·       Join a sports league to reconnect with old friends or to make new ones

·       Start attending the gym or health club more frequently

·       Go for a facial or massage therapy more often

·       Start taking more frequent walks, by yourself or with others

·       Go visit family members you lost touch with

·       Go visit old friends you lost touch with

The idea is to try to add something into your life that you “gave up” on, since it seemed too difficult or the pressure from your loved one was so great that it didn’t feel worth the argument. Anything we take pleasure from is worth the argument. We need those pleasures to recharge ourselves. We need the connection with others to balance us. Giving them up only hurts us in the long run.

When we start taking care of ourselves, we place ourselves first. We place value on us. We no longer fear taking a time out from abuse, since we now accept that it is the healthiest thing we can do. We believe we are worth it.

Taking care of ourselves starts with the little things and grows over time. It replenishes our self esteem. It rebuilds our self respect. It feeds our souls.