Are you making things worse?
our responses to them
"I never did that!"
"That is so wrong!"
"Why can't you just let it go?"
"why do you always have to do this?"
"But I always do it that way"
"This is what actually happened"
"NO, you've got it wrong!"
"Why won’t you listen to me?"
"That’s not what I meant"
"That’s not what happened"
Many times, when we are communicating with our loved ones, the words we use to explain ourselves or to justify ourselves, or to prove our point, come across as challenging and defiant to them. How often have you been in a conversation where the more you tried to explain something, the less the other person seemed to hear you and the angrier they got?
That's because your words were essentially telling the other person they're wrong and you're right. You may very well be right, but when dealing with a person who is extremely sensitive and easily dysregulated, then your words are like waving a red cape in front of a bull.
When they are telling us how they feel or how they understand something, and we argue with them, we are telling them their feelings and beliefs are wrong. Our disagreement triggers them into the shame-blame spiral and we end up with a huge fight on our hands - for what?
Feelings and emotions can never be wrong. They are based on our beliefs and our interpretations of things, and telling someone that you don't agree with what they are saying means essentially that their feelings are wrong. How can a feeling be wrong?
our responses to them
"I never did that!"
"That is so wrong!"
"Why can't you just let it go?"
"why do you always have to do this?"
"But I always do it that way"
"This is what actually happened"
"NO, you've got it wrong!"
"Why won’t you listen to me?"
"That’s not what I meant"
"That’s not what happened"
Many times, when we are communicating with our loved ones, the words we use to explain ourselves or to justify ourselves, or to prove our point, come across as challenging and defiant to them. How often have you been in a conversation where the more you tried to explain something, the less the other person seemed to hear you and the angrier they got?
That's because your words were essentially telling the other person they're wrong and you're right. You may very well be right, but when dealing with a person who is extremely sensitive and easily dysregulated, then your words are like waving a red cape in front of a bull.
When they are telling us how they feel or how they understand something, and we argue with them, we are telling them their feelings and beliefs are wrong. Our disagreement triggers them into the shame-blame spiral and we end up with a huge fight on our hands - for what?
Feelings and emotions can never be wrong. They are based on our beliefs and our interpretations of things, and telling someone that you don't agree with what they are saying means essentially that their feelings are wrong. How can a feeling be wrong?
Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature and may be called a crime against nature, "psychological murder", or "soul murder." Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile. A good guideline is:
First accept the feelings, then address the behavior.
If you fight to be right - you lose.
We need to accept that our loved ones (or others in our life with bpd) don’t think the same way we do, and that while many of the arguments seem to come from nowhere, or make little sense, we are the ones who end up making things worse than they need to be if we use an invalidating response. The more we try to explain and defend ourselves, the worse things actually become. We throw fuel on the fire by invalidating their opinions, beliefs, statements, ideas, suggestions, or emotions.
Explanations and defenses = more anger
Someone who suffers from BPD and a non are living in two different worlds. When the person with bpd is triggered, they are pure emotions and primitive defenses. There is no logic to what they are feeling, which is why they have trouble articulating and expressing themselves, since they don’t know why or where the feelings are coming from. We, on the other hand, try to approach the situation from a logical standpoint. That if we can just find the right words or phrases, that it will suddenly make sense to the other person and the argument will end. We might as well be speaking Polish to them though, since they are in an emotional state and we are defending with logic. See the problem here? Our own defenses make things worse, since we use terms and defenses that invalidate how the other person feels.
They are emotional - we are logical. Two different attempts to communicate.
So, we need to find a way to stop things from getting worse, by recognizing what we are doing wrong first.
Before we can validate, we must stop invalidating.
Words and phrases that are invalidating to others (not just those with bpd):
*ordering them to feel differently- "get over it. be happy."
*ordering them to look differently- "don't look so sad."
*denying their perception or defending - "that's not what I meant"
*making them feel guilty- "I tried to help you"
*trying to isolate them- "you are the only one who feels that way"
*minimizing their feeling- "you must be kidding"
*using reason- "you are not being rational"
*debating- "I don't always do that"
*judging and labeling them- "you're too sensitive"
*turning things around- "you're making a big deal out of nothing"
*trying to get them to question themselves- "why can't you just get over it?"
*telling them how they should feel- "you should be happy"
*defending the other person- "she didn't mean it that way"
*negating, denial, and confusion- "now you know that isn't true"
*sarcasm and mocking- "you poor baby"
*laying guilt trips- "don't you ever think of anyone else?"
*philosophizing and cliches- "time heals all wounds"
*talking about them when they can hear it- "you can't say anything to her"
*showing intolerance- "I am sick of hearing about it"
*trying to control how long someone feels about something- "you should be over that by now"
*explanation- "maybe it's because _______ "
First accept the feelings, then address the behavior.
If you fight to be right - you lose.
We need to accept that our loved ones (or others in our life with bpd) don’t think the same way we do, and that while many of the arguments seem to come from nowhere, or make little sense, we are the ones who end up making things worse than they need to be if we use an invalidating response. The more we try to explain and defend ourselves, the worse things actually become. We throw fuel on the fire by invalidating their opinions, beliefs, statements, ideas, suggestions, or emotions.
Explanations and defenses = more anger
Someone who suffers from BPD and a non are living in two different worlds. When the person with bpd is triggered, they are pure emotions and primitive defenses. There is no logic to what they are feeling, which is why they have trouble articulating and expressing themselves, since they don’t know why or where the feelings are coming from. We, on the other hand, try to approach the situation from a logical standpoint. That if we can just find the right words or phrases, that it will suddenly make sense to the other person and the argument will end. We might as well be speaking Polish to them though, since they are in an emotional state and we are defending with logic. See the problem here? Our own defenses make things worse, since we use terms and defenses that invalidate how the other person feels.
They are emotional - we are logical. Two different attempts to communicate.
So, we need to find a way to stop things from getting worse, by recognizing what we are doing wrong first.
Before we can validate, we must stop invalidating.
Words and phrases that are invalidating to others (not just those with bpd):
*ordering them to feel differently- "get over it. be happy."
*ordering them to look differently- "don't look so sad."
*denying their perception or defending - "that's not what I meant"
*making them feel guilty- "I tried to help you"
*trying to isolate them- "you are the only one who feels that way"
*minimizing their feeling- "you must be kidding"
*using reason- "you are not being rational"
*debating- "I don't always do that"
*judging and labeling them- "you're too sensitive"
*turning things around- "you're making a big deal out of nothing"
*trying to get them to question themselves- "why can't you just get over it?"
*telling them how they should feel- "you should be happy"
*defending the other person- "she didn't mean it that way"
*negating, denial, and confusion- "now you know that isn't true"
*sarcasm and mocking- "you poor baby"
*laying guilt trips- "don't you ever think of anyone else?"
*philosophizing and cliches- "time heals all wounds"
*talking about them when they can hear it- "you can't say anything to her"
*showing intolerance- "I am sick of hearing about it"
*trying to control how long someone feels about something- "you should be over that by now"
*explanation- "maybe it's because _______ "
Why do we do this? To build character - to make them stronger and more self sufficient (that's what we tell ourselves). But BPD's are more sensitive, highly reactive, and slower to return to normal than others. That is a fact we need to understand and appreciate, by adjusting the way we respond and communicate with them.
Actually, go through each of those invalidating statements/responses and think about how it feels/how it felt when someone (not necessarily the disordered person in your life) used those statements on you!!
your post is eye opener...
ReplyDelete