Courtesy of Randi Kreger. Author of "Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder"
Yes, most members say "I tried to set a boundary. They wouldn't listen to me".... which means it wasn't a boundary, it was a request.
A few years ago, I asked people if setting boundaries worked for them. Most people said no. The comments they made were similar to this:
“I told him he didn’t understand my perspective; he told me I didn’t understand his. It went in circles endlessly. He accused me of being controlling and telling him what to do. He weaved magical webs with his words and made me feel guilty.”
At that point, I realized that there needs to be a major educational shift to help people understand what setting boundaries is about, and what it isn’t. People think they’re about making people act in certain ways, and if they can’t convince that person to change, they’ve “failed.”
This is incorrect. Boundaries are about each person taking responsibility for their own behavior. Your boundaries are about you, not the other person. Setting boundaries is a process that begins right now as you start to think about them. It keeps on going because you will always need to pay attention to make sure you don’t let your boundaries slide.
Why are boundaries so important in the first place?
If you don’t think they’re important, you probably won’t make it through the process or you will let the limits slide, undoing everything you’ve done and actually making things worse due to the intermittent reinforcement process.
“I told him he didn’t understand my perspective; he told me I didn’t understand his. It went in circles endlessly. He accused me of being controlling and telling him what to do. He weaved magical webs with his words and made me feel guilty.”
At that point, I realized that there needs to be a major educational shift to help people understand what setting boundaries is about, and what it isn’t. People think they’re about making people act in certain ways, and if they can’t convince that person to change, they’ve “failed.”
This is incorrect. Boundaries are about each person taking responsibility for their own behavior. Your boundaries are about you, not the other person. Setting boundaries is a process that begins right now as you start to think about them. It keeps on going because you will always need to pay attention to make sure you don’t let your boundaries slide.
Why are boundaries so important in the first place?
If you don’t think they’re important, you probably won’t make it through the process or you will let the limits slide, undoing everything you’ve done and actually making things worse due to the intermittent reinforcement process.
- Limits protect you from being or feeling controlled, manipulated, ‘fixed,’ misunderstood, abused, discounted, demeaned, or wrongly judged.
- When you don’t have limits, you’re going to become overwhelmed with your BP’s needs and demands.
- Without limits, chosen relationships become very unhappy and unsafe with little emotional closeness. There is little mutual respect or trust.
- Relationships without limits are more likely to end. This is one reason why limits are vital to you BP. In other words, as much as BPs dislike limits, without them they may not only fear abandonment, but experience it.
Boundaries aren’t requests, in that boundaries don’t “ask” others to do or not do something. In fact, they aren’t really about the other person at all. Boundaries are about what we will or won’t put up with in our lives. It’s about keeping the bad stuff away from us.
Learning to set boundaries is a process…
One thing we all struggle with is meaning what we say and setting boundaries with confidence. Setting boundaries is difficult for a number of reasons.
First, we have let them slide. In her book, “The Emotionally Abusive Relationship,” Engel writes, “Most of us begin a relationship thinking we have certain limits as to what we will and will not tolerate from a partner. But as the relationship progresses, we tend to move our boundaries back, tolerating more and more intrusion or going along with things we are really opposed to. . . . [Individuals] begin tolerating unacceptable and even abusive behavior, and then convince themselves that these behaviors are normal, acceptable, [and deserved].
So how do you go back? Long before you say one word, you plan. This plan will act as your road map and safety net. Each of the following five “Cs” is a component of the plan:
One thing we all struggle with is meaning what we say and setting boundaries with confidence. Setting boundaries is difficult for a number of reasons.
First, we have let them slide. In her book, “The Emotionally Abusive Relationship,” Engel writes, “Most of us begin a relationship thinking we have certain limits as to what we will and will not tolerate from a partner. But as the relationship progresses, we tend to move our boundaries back, tolerating more and more intrusion or going along with things we are really opposed to. . . . [Individuals] begin tolerating unacceptable and even abusive behavior, and then convince themselves that these behaviors are normal, acceptable, [and deserved].
So how do you go back? Long before you say one word, you plan. This plan will act as your road map and safety net. Each of the following five “Cs” is a component of the plan:
- • Clarify.
- • Calculate costs.
- • Come up with consequences.
- • Create a consensus.
- • Consider possible outcomes.
LIMITS PROPERTY #1: YOUR LIMITS ARE UNIQUE TO YOU.
Obviously, different people reasoned in different ways, and came up with different answers. That’s because not only do you all have different incomes and homes, you have different values and beliefs. Your limits emerge from a variety of factors unique to you. You own them just like you own your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs.
While this may seem obvious, it’s not. Most people believe that there is one standard that should apply to everyone and most arguments are about divining what that standard is. People talk about this a lot in most forums: someone gives a situation and suggests a limit, then looks to other people to confirm if they’re “right.”
It is as if there is a goddess of the Temple of Truth, who has the special ability to divine who is “right” and who is “wrong.” While some things at either end of the spectrum make no sense—eg you can’t buy any gnomes or you have to spend everything on them--there is no Temple of Truth, no anointed standard bearer.
THIS MEANS THAT if your family member says that your limits are wrong or unreasonable, he or she is speaking about what is right and true for him or her, not you. You are your own Temple of Truth. You live and deal with the difficulty every day, be it dirty gnomes or dirty dishes. Your limits are your own. And your very first limit is that you have the inalienable right to set limits.
LIMITS PROPERTY #2 LIMITS ARE UNSELFISH
Your limits are for you and about you, not against others. They are about respect: respect for yourself, respect for others, and respect for the relationship.
Think about the process you went through to come up with your limits in the gnome home exercise.
- • Did you develop them based on what one person wanted, or did you try to balance everyone’s needs and desires?
- • Was your intention to hurt, punish, or control or to develop a plan that made the most sense based on all the competing factors?
Most non-BPs err on the side of trying to take care of everyone but themselves. It never occurs to them that they can say “no” or that their wants and needs are just as significant as those of everyone else.
People with BPD sometimes see other people’s limits as a personal affront, something designed to punish or control them. That’s because they feel punished and controlled, and for them, feelings equal facts. Naturally, you’ll have discussions and try to come up with solutions that benefit everyone. But compromise because you want to, not because your feelings are “wrong” or unimportant.
I don’t think it matters if you actually DO the gnome exercise—once you watch others do it, you get the point.
We haven’t started covering this yet, but you’ve touched on something crucial: “Boundaries need to stay in place forever to take care of me,” and “I also now see how I contributed to the escalation of many situations.” (Don’t get on your own case about that, though, because without proper education and planning, non-BPs generally don’t understand that part of limit setting:
**Once you set the limit, it no longer matters very much what you say: what you COMMUNICATE is how you act.***
We haven’t started covering this yet, but you’ve touched on something crucial: “Boundaries need to stay in place forever to take care of me,” and “I also now see how I contributed to the escalation of many situations.” (Don’t get on your own case about that, though, because without proper education and planning, non-BPs generally don’t understand that part of limit setting:
**Once you set the limit, it no longer matters very much what you say: what you COMMUNICATE is how you act.***
That’s why the planning process includes the “C” CONSEQUENCES. Before you set the limit, you already KNOW what you will do when the limit is ignored—which it WILL BE. That is part of the “extinction process,” which I will explain in a minute (I’m going to jump ahead of myself and address your comments about this).
That doesn’t mean the limit has failed, just that you’re not in the phase of teaching people what you will and will not accept in your life.
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