Skills - Validation, How to Communicate in a positive way

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81610.msg807685#msg807685

Painful feelings that are expressed, acknowledged and validated by a trusted listener will diminish.

Painful feelings that are ignored will gain strength.

(from http://eqi.org/valid.htm)

We have all sat through a major rant by our loved one, where they seemed to dump  everything onto our laps. We are blamed as the source of all their anger, pain, frustration, anxiety, and heartbreak. Often times we try to defend ourselves by explaining our point of view, which in reality invalidates the BPD as a person , making the situation worse. Arguments and explanations, which we do naturally when being falsely or unfairly accused, escalates the argument causing more problems. That is why we say:

·       Don't defend

·       Don't explain

·       Don't attempt to justify

·       Don't counter attack

Here is a link defining and explaining the trouble with invalidation (http://www.bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81486.0


So what are we to do then, to manage the situation?
Just sit there and take it on the chin?
No, you can try to Validate the other persons feelings, that's what.

Validation is NOT placating, agreeing with somebody when you really think they are wrong, "walking on eggshells", or enabling somebody. It can be used not just with your bpd loved one, but friends, family members, coworkers, customers and clients!  

But what exactly are we validating?

·       You are validating that you understand them.

·       That you accept they have a right to their feelings. Even if you don't agree with them.

·       That it is a reasonable possibility, and that others would feel the same way.

·       That you have empathy for them (a true connection with what they are going through).

·       That there is a kernel of truth to what they are expressing.

·       That they have a legitimate right to feel as they do.

Validation is not just blind agreement. It is also not just repeating what they say. Validation goes to the heart of the persons

·       emotions

·       wants and desires

·       beliefs and opinions

·       actions

·       suffering

Validation creates a bond between two people, where the person speaking feels really listened to and heard. It increases acceptance and decreases conflict.

Especially important, it builds trust and intimacy, and establishes you as a safe and respectful person.

Practice on someone safe, or during a quieter time, when you are able to focus and don't feel like you are on the defense. Try to:

·       Acknowledge the other person's feelings

·       Identify the feelings - sad, frustrated, blocked, unheard, lonely, depressed

·       Offer to listen (see EQ-Based Listening)

·       Help them label the feelings

·       Be there for them; remaining present physically and emotionally - don't multi task or plan what your response

·       Feel patient - allow them to express themselves fully

·       Feel accepting and non-judgmental - don't label them as bad or wrong or crazy

Validation video
Here is an excellent chance to learn validation from a renowned specialist in the field of BPD and DBT. It's like having your own private validation lesson and includes a power point slide along with the video of the lecture. The first video is 51 min, so get comfortable and open your mind and your heart to the power of validation.
Dr. Alan Fruzzetti is the author of "High Conflict Couples" and works closely with Dr Marsha Linehan and the NEA BPD. This video (and many others) can be found at NEA BPD.


~~ Link for the  validation video: Is found on NEA for BPD's "video page". This link places you on the "video/audio" page - scroll down to the subsection "Consumers and Family" and select
"Understanding Validation in Families" by Alan Fruzzetti   51min 53 sec
http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/videos-by-topic.shtml

~~ Audio for the Alan Fruzzetti validation:
http://web4.streamhoster.com/video4nea/Validation_AEF.mp3